October 9th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

stiff arms that equal a feeling of accomplishment

i just wrote another 1700 words in the book. i thought it was going to be a story, but a book it is. i'm reading Rice right now, so i'm given to fits of heavy description. i'll be sure to read Bukowski when i edit it to tighten it up. this is fun, i'm finding my voice, finding my style. i've always been afraid, intimidated by the idea of writing fiction.

the one problem i have is switching between tenses. but i don't know that it is a problem. i think, if you are paying attention, it isn't a problem. and it isn't like i switch tenses in mid-paragraph, it goes from section to section. i don't write in long chapters. i write in small sections, jumping around as the narrative hits me.

i want to write more tonight, but it's just not coming. i may try to work some poetry out of the night. the day was a waste. i'm just no fucking good during the day. i'm too distracted by doc being home. and being down to one computer is hard, i hate it. i'm getting the other laptop working as soon as i get paid. i at least need something i can write on. this book is going at a faster pace than i can write, i need to type. besides that, if i did try to write, it would be incomprehensible later on. like some of my poems are. i've lost entire pieces because i scribbled them down as fast as they came to me and my usually neat handwriting went to shit.

the best part about writing on the computer is the editing. i can go back and add right in and change and not have to scribble and cross out and squeeze in. so as the ideas of scenes hit me, i can get them down, and then go back easily and develop them later.

i signed up with amazon.com's self-publishing site. i'm thinking of taking my stuff off lulu.com and publishing it there. i have to get a copy of Go Ahead, Eat the Daisies, and then i don't much care what becomes of those books. i mainly wanted to publish to get myself copies. it is far easier than printing out all the material and keeping it in a binder. you can throw a book out of consternation and nothing much will happen, but you throw a binder and there is an explosion of paper everywhere. i need things i can throw.

my favorite therapy is taking all the ice cubes out back and hurling them at the cinder block wall and watching them shatter. then, as i calm down, i watch the shards melt in the sun. but then i have no ice for ice water for a few hours, so i save it until i'm really frustrated. i'm a thrower. i used to destroy phones and pairs of glasses with abandon. that's where the obsession with the stuffed animals came from. i can throw them over and over and they just bounce back to me for more abuse.

wow, it's 2:30 and i wanted to get some sleep tonight. i just can't decide whether to sleep in bed or in the living room. both will leave me stiff. one has tv accompaniment, the other, music. ack! i can't decide. i guess i'll make up my bed and then start out on the couch. then i'll probably just wander into bed around 4.

"power comes to them that enjoy the thrill of fear"

Leia is not doing well. she has lost her voice, is now running a fever and her sinuses are draining constantly. my only hope is that the fluid that is draining is clear and not infected smelling. she is still eating and drinking, but she slept a lot today and didn't have the energy to cuddle. what a way to start off her life here. tomorrow i'll call our foster coordinator and probably end up taking her in to see the vet and get more meds for her. i hope she gets better. her couple of days out of quarantine don't seem to have affected the other animals negatively. no one else is sick. bagira is having allergy problems, but that's because he has just decided to be an outdoor cat after being indoors for a year. so he's getting used to the pollens and such again. and sneezing his way through the adventure. but no one else is snuffly or sneezy. so that's a good thing. the last thing we need here is an outbreak, though i'm pretty sure our vet would give us a group rate if that happened.

my play list is really pushing the Pat Benatar tonight. i know i shuffled it, so why did all the Benetar end up at the top i wonder?

tomorrow will be less of a waste. doc won't be home early to disrupt my morning time. that sets the tone for the day. pictures to take. got to get the sales up before the xmas shopping season. i have about $500 of jewelry to list. i can't imagine how much money in happy meal toys i have. those are going to be sketchy and harder to sell. but again, i want it all listed and set up before shopping season starts so all i have to do is ship out purchased items.

our long term, big ticket goals/priorities are thus: fix truck (tune up, registration); bed for doc; washing machine; computer. and i want them by the end of the year. so i have to get my butt in gear. my goal for next year is teeth, but that's next year. and a LOT more jewelry.

okay, my wrists hurt, i think i've come to the end of my typing for the night. poetry will have to be hand written if it is to happen at all. the cam will remain on while i am on the couch. have a nice night.
2013, cyd, new

it's a grey morning, not so chilly

so i stayed on the couch all night, didn't wake up until 7. i feel pretty good.

Leia has her voice back today and she's feeling better. while i was in peeing, she wouldn't stay off of my lap. all she wants is cuddles. the shelter opens in a couple of hours and i can call our case worker and see what we should do next.

Major has become a fat thing in the weeks since he's joined our family. i picked him up last night, something i try not to do because it freaks him right the fuck out, and was surprised at the girth of his belly. so he's eating well.

Simon still isn't gaining weight, but he's stopped growling at the food when he eats and is becoming ever more social.

where's my dog? i lost my bloody dog again. he's too small, i lose him too easily. i know he didn't get out, i watched him battle where doc fixed the fence yesterday. he was bummed. i want to take him for a walk and i can't remember where i left him. maybe he's in the bedroom. he disappeared last night and i ended up finding him curled up with doc in bed.

don't you love it when a song comes on you haven't heard in a really long time and you realize that you still know all the words? i do. the cats don't, it means i will sing ever louder, but i love it.

i'm going to go find the dog and take him for a wander. any excuse to wear my hip pack.
2013, cyd, new

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