October 4th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

self-imposed exile over

i'm determined to have a better day. my period is all but over and strange thing how i don't feel so sick anymore. i don't know why it was so rough this month, but wow. come on menopause. i burned myself yesterday with a cigarette. it wasn't a pain/feeling thing, it was a control thing. i felt out of control, and i did it to exert some. i doesn't hurt. i didn't wash the top layer of skin off like i usually do, so it's just this big blister. it's not even red.

of the four cam upload programs i downloaded and messed with all day, i got one to work, and i hated it because it didn't have a counter, that was YAWCAM. TinCam was my favorite and it said it was working, but it wasn't uploading the image. if i could have gotten that to work, i would have kept it. after all that, all day, even getting doc, who was clueless, involved . . . i reinstalled ChillCam and it worked. i don't fucking understand. i'm going to try to recover the other computer today, i think i can deal with the frustration today, i couldn't when it died on tuesday. but i don't have a lot of hope, the hard drive was audibly saying "kill me" . . . i think it may be a lost cause. the other computer works, but it has no USB ports and the CD/DVD drives don't work for some reason i can't seem to fix, so it's really worthless to me.

that cuts me down to one cam. that will only be on when i have custody of the laptop. which is never when doc is home. i'm very upset about this but i refuse to dwell on it today. i'll do what i can with the other machine.

i finally took eris' advice and hooked my trackball up to the laptop. when the computer died there was no reason to keep it on there. aside from going to the touchpad out of habit, it's great! i can play in photoshop with accuracy now. and typing is no longer a pain in the ass.

oog, coffee maker is dying. it only brews half a pot at a time for some reason. and it doesn't brew into a pot, but into an opaque canister that it is dispensed from. so i go out and have a smoke after putting the coffee on to brew, they usually take the same amount of time. i come in, write in here, pour a cuppa and taste it, and WOW! check the water, ahhh, only brewed half way again. i am drinking poor girl's espresso. have to watch that in the future.

i'm mostly done with my spread sheet. i have about 75 more poems to add. then i will know where they all are by title. in alphabetical order. i am a goddess.

a goddess that is going to hell. i discovered, rather late in the game, that i can't just download movies and music, but BOOKS! i have always hated reading on the laptop, but that is going to change. i have collected enough to read to finish my partial reading of three collections and countless other authors entire bibliographies. mmmmmm. =} i'm still going to buy the books, must hold them in my hands, i am in love with books as i am with paper journals. i have no such attachment to vinyl over digital. oh, but books. it was like shopping.

speaking of shopping, my envelopes came yesterday, time to sell some jewelry! people are only looking at three of my seven jewelry sales. and no one is looking at the necklace i made, which is beautiful and should sell for a nice price and will look good on anyone who wears it. this weekend is for getting the happy meal toys listed. i have the pictures, i've just put off the listing with the crappy i've been feeling this week.

i should be getting my hip pack today or tomorrow. maybe longer, it's coming from china, i know, i'm walmart. but i wanted cheap and cute. and it's both. i hope it isn't made for super tiny chinese waists. oh, wait, it has belt loops, so if it has a small belt, i can just put it on my own, cool. until i get replacement webbing. but the belt looked nice and adjustable, so i'm not terribly worried about it.

my main problem is that i still see myself as big. fat. i have a belly, and muffin top, so i don't see myself as thin. even though i wear a size 34" waist around my hips. and i wear medium tshirts. i just see myself as huge and think of myself like that. partly because of that and partly because of my teeth i am vain about other parts of me. my jewelry, hair, clothes.

enough of that, it's time to take my meds.

and change my clothes for the first time in three days. a nice pair of khaki combat pants and my fabulous disaster (the band) t-shirt. nice and comfy. the pants are baggy on me now. they were in storage while i was in the transition where they fit right. which is okay with me. it's not what i would wear to First Friday, anyway. it's fall, i can wear tights. i have a number of dresses i can now wear. and i plan on finding my box of boots in the garage today.

doc found two big boxes in the garage i haven't been through yet, they may contain the missing items. they had better contain the missing items. there is no where else for them to be. so that will be today.

tonight, Mr. Death Metal is playing at First Friday with his band. so we may be able to get a ride down there. if we do, we're going. and i'm takiing chewy. there is an Animal Foundation adoption event there tonight and i want to show off what a great dog Chewy is and that i got him there. try to get more people to adopt dogs from there. he brought his pit bull over the other day. Chewy was attacked by a pit bull a week ago, and doesn't like the dog at all. he's afraid of it. i am too. i don't know why, but i fear those dogs. when the one attacked Chewy i got into the middle of it, not caring what happened to me, just trying to get my poor little dog out of there. the pit bull didn't bite him, just jumped him and batted at him and scared the shit out of him. by the time the stupid dog's owner grabbed it by the collar and pulled it off of us, Chewy was screaming like a girl. as i was saying, i don't like pit bulls.

actually, that isn't fair, i don't like dogs owned by people my age and younger, they are just as out of control as the children. i only take chewy to the dog park when the old people are out with their dogs, so that i know that Chewy won't get jumped. come to think of it, i don't really like people my age or younger. it's the older generations i get along with. doc is the same way. people our age tire us. older people fascinate us.

doc is paying rent after work today. that will make all our bills paid, and the truck is paid off as of this month. we are broke. but the pantry and the fridge are full, we have gas for the scooter and food for the animals. and all of our bills are paid! i can't be more excited about that. it still thrills me after all this time. my job in my late teens and early twenties at my parent's house was intercepting the insufficient funds notices and the bill collectors so my mom didn't know about it. there were times i paid the bills. i don't know what my loser dad does now. maybe he holds a job and pays the bills. i was never prouder of him than when he went to work for 7-11 for a year while he was out of work, just to make some money for the family. that was a year i wasn't living there and couldn't help with the bills. i'm still afraid the electricity is going to get shut off, or the cable . . . and i'm afraid to answer the phone unless it' doc. i think that will always be with me. i've fought with so many bill collectors in my day. i hated every minute of it.

i noticed yesterday that Major is gaining weight. he is getting fat, in fact. he's got this big belly now that he didn't have when we brought him home. more of him to cuddle.

Tulip is not Tulip, is Leia. at least, that is what i'm going with. doc won't name the poor thing and i hate the name Tulip. so i've been calling her Leia. we have a Vader and a Chewy, why not a Leia? she is answering to it a bit. she still has a snotty nose, but she hasn't been sneezing. so she's been spending a few hours at a time wandering through the house. it's more to save toilet paper than anything else. i have toys in the bathroom with her, but they aren't enough apparently and she has destroyed two rolls of toilet paper. and unrolled one. she is very affectionate with doc. she comes when she hears his voice. when he got up last night he came into the hallway and asked, "Where's my cat?", and she went running to him. she just wouldn't settle down on the bed with him. she was too excited he was up. she will love this weekend when he's home all the time.

Freddie is jealous and Evie is . . . i don't know what Evie is. just mad. she's been going off on everyone but doc and i. even the dog. she slapped the shit out of him last night. i don't know if she's unhappy about the kitten or the change in weather. i think it's the change in weather. she doesn't like to be cold or wind blown and there is a windy cold front over us right now. so she's been spending more time inside. Freddie is just in our faces, getting all the attention she can. Major, too. he's even more in my face when Leia is out of the bathroom. and when i go to the bathroom he and Chewy wait outside of the door for me. it's kind of creepy.

i've been sleeping on the couch, despite the animal invasion when i do. i kicked Chewy and Felix off the couch only to wake up to Simon crowding me. and i got it all on cam!

in the computer crash, i lost the bath pictures without looking at them and the pictures from the other day when i accidentally went to the toilet on cam. so no real loss there. i'll never know what went out and i'm probably better for it. but i only lost about a week of pictures and most of them were of me sleeping. i was doing really well keeping everything off that machine. that doesn't make me miss it any less.

oh well, i'm down a camera. i still have a printer to play with! which is good, because i have some letters to write. ones i've been waiting on until i had a way to print them, now i do. i even know where my decorative papers are.

so technica stuff for the weekend, and some heavy lifting in the garage. good plans.
2013, cyd, new

for what it's worth

that day

naked
bent over the sink
cold counter biting belly
he teases
this may not be that bad
then the tip
it hurts
no, i say quietly
further in, slowly
no i say again
then a thrust
blinding pain
rending flesh
no no no no no
but he doesn't hear
cold counter biting belly
screaming pain
i can't get away
he thrusts again
and again harder
i think
and start to moan
if he thinks i'm
enjoying it,
maybe he'll stop
and it does stop eventually
and i get dressed
hurting badly
and pretend it is all okay
i smile
and i hurt
and he's dead to me