September 23rd, 2013

2013, cyd, new

"right behind the cigarette and the devilish smile, you're my crack of sunlight"

when i was with Douchebag, oh so many years ago, his super rich grandfather gave me a gorgeous silver bracelet. it was his wife's favorite, he said. when Douchebag kicked me out/set me free, the bracelet was a huge bone of contention. i was watched at all times by his family while i was packing to ensure i did not get that bracelet. long story short, turns out rich people aren't that smart, and i got the bracelet. i wasn't around to see the reaction, but i'm sure it was ugly, with Douchebag getting slammed for not hiding it better.

so i've had this brilliant bracelet sitting, tarnishing in my jewelry box, and i decided yesterday, it's not sacred, and i put it on. i'm going to polish it today. today is jewelry recovery day. i have a ring to solder and a bunch of silver jewelry to polish. and i need to fix those earrings that broke the other day.

the time has come to hook a USB hub to the laptop. i have one ready and waiting. i have a hard drive and a microphone and my music flash drive all connected, and i have no more room. this is a big commitment. it means putting hardware permanently on the coffee table. but it also means that when doc wants to play or watch a movie, he can disconnect everything all at once.

now that the weather has turned cold, it hails the arrival of kelli for a visit. try as i might, i cannot convince her to come out here again and stay. she won't leave her youngest nephew. so i just have to wait for the kid to grow up. i'm patient. this time, when we hit the strip, i'm taking my cameras with me. i'm documenting the entire thing. the last time she was here, i was so drugged, i didn't take my camera and was capable of little more than a fast walk through the casinos. i must have sucked for kelli. i will be better this time. i'm doing so much better.

i have my headphones on and it suddenly occurs to me, why are they roundtabling the mall siege in Kenya, what the fuck could the US possibly have to debate about it? IT ISN'T OUR PROBLEM. we are not the terrorism police for the world. and if we are, then we'd better get back into Iraq because there was a huge terrorist attack on a Christian church this weekend. but that got buried. yep, can't let the people know we were in there for the better part of a decade and people are still being slaughtered in the name of an imaginary being. tell me again how religion is harmless. i want to hear it, really, i need a good laugh, i've been crying to Pink songs.

i thought if i watched less news, i would be less given to political pontificating. but it turns out, doc is an amazing source of news. since he got his smartphone, he has been immersed in world happenings. plus he's always had a secret source for news. and his analysis is great. he is so Vulcan, he stays so neutral and still builds an amazing knowledge of things newsworthy. so we talk politics a lot. i'm so vociferous about things, and he remains so calm. it turns out the more he passes along to me, the more irate i get. i can't wait to have a chance to vote again.

and some friends of mine have some very disturbing views that their normal interaction with me does not hint at the delusion of. it scares me. most of them seem so reasonable usually. and then they come out with some bizarre conspiracy theory birthed on FoxNews and scare the bejesus out of me. and it takes everything i have not to cyber-shake some sense into them. but i'm not about making people think the way i do. i'm about finding the people who already think like i do. if everyone thought like me, this would be a boring world indeed. existence would be positively unbearable.

okay, happy thoughts. happy little clouds. happy birds, happy trees. fire bad. brain fart.

i think i want to go lay down for a while. i've been up for a few hours. no, i have to vacuum and clean the kitchen and a host of other chores. i should walk the dog, as well. i can't decide which of his walks to eliminate every day, the morning or the evening. he's been going potties in the back yard for the past few days. that's another thing i need to do, clean that mess up. enough to keep me awake. i want this place spotless when doc gets home.

i'm going to ask him about paypal again today. he is the only thing stopping me from making money. and it is really frustrating me. i think, in prelude to this i will take out the happy meal toys and go outside and photograph them. that way i will be ready to go when he gets the paypal account established. i think he's afraid i will spend money we don't have. but i'm not putting up with that. the one thing i have ALWAYS been good with is money. i've never carried cash and never spent money, no matter how small an amount, without consulting him first. it is the one thing i have been consistent with. basically i'm used to not having any money, i never had any growing up. everything was provided, what wasn't, wasn't needed. the only reason i got a job was to get boots and a leather and smokes. i wish i could do that now, but i can't get a job with no teeth. sorry, idealists, but employers discriminate.

enough of this. Lyle Lovett has inspired me to get up off my ass and start this day. at least i got the lights off and the blinds open already. but i've been up two hours, i need to take less time to start up in the morning.

when i'm done in the house, i think i'll go into the garage and work there. doc doesn't know where to start, so i'm going to help him out and do some more organizing.

have a great morning.
2013, cyd, new

oh my sweet christ (a poem that's nothing to do with christ)

i have tried to be friendly.
i have tried to be forgiving.
i have tried to be blind.
but you will not be ignored.
and brother, it's
getting old
your soapbox is
held together with
duct tape
unraveling slowly

don't talk down to me
don't assume you know me
don't think i'll stay silent forever
because i have limits.
and brother, you've
reached mine
and now i'm so
tired of it that
i'll stop
muttering under my breath

i don't see your point of view
no matter how you want me to
your arguments will just undo
the point you think you want to prove

shut the fuck up.
don't presume.
kindness is
not weakness.
and i've bent over
as far as i'm willing to.
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

looking down i see

there's a hole in my shirt. right over my belly. not so obvious when i stand up, glaring when i lounge. if i could find my sewing kit, i would sew that bastard up. this weekend. we talked it out and set up a game plan for the garage and this weekend we will tackle it together. as it should be.

i cleaned out, swept and mopped the mudroom today. little things that make such a difference. i can walk in there without tromping through cat litter. i don't understand how they get it on the floor, the sides of the litter box are a foot and a half high. it even smells nice in there now. i also did all the dishes by hand and put them away and cleaned the kitchen. that on top of the normal daily stuff. i ended up vacuuming the kitchen rug twice because lelu furred it up between the time i first vacuumed it and the time doc got home.

doc brought home 3 pints of Fosters, a 6 pack of Bass IPA, and a bottle of sake. something tells me we're expecting company. company that does sake bombs. oh, and two dozen eggs. but he forgot the milk. so he's out getting milk. and a pizza. definitely having company, i'm being bought off with a pizza.

there's cats passed out all over the place. so peaceful. they will all gather in an hour and a half and start milling around me and meowing at me to be fed. i'm on people time, they are on astronomical time. the sun gets to a certain point in setting and they decide it's time to eat. i try to keep them on a schedule. and they try to keep me on a schedule. now Evie is in my lap, purring wildly. i barely have to pet her. she's just so happy for the cuddles.

i was just staring at my profile pic and remembered i have to change my pic on lulu.com. the picture is so out of date. and i really like the two i'm using now. one here and one on all my other social media sites. i really like having straight hair, and i think i look much better with it than curly. but that's just me. i asked doc his opinion and he said "straight", but then he said he knew i wanted him to say that. not helping.

this day has gone fast, two hour nap not withstanding. time to think of what i'm going to do this evening. i think i want to watch "V for Vendetta". that means downloading it, of course Netflix doesn't have it online.

ever think someone else has the power in a situation, only to find out you have the power and always have? i ran into that today. great feeling. but a little odd. for me. i'm so used to being powerless.

i just had a huge brownie and i'm not really hungry for pizza. i guess i can save it until later. i like it tepid, so that works.

there are three places in my room that need to be cleaned. my closet, my dresser and my head/foot board. i started it today. took a bunch of old papers out to be recycled and took down the dead string lights that had been accumulating. the closet is half to two thirds done. i just need to hang a couple of dresses and unpack my boots. then my room will be so clean my mom would pass out if she saw it. i can't stand it messy. i can't stand not being able to find things when i want them.