September 22nd, 2013

2013, cyd, new

know when to say "no" to me

it has been a most uneventful day. full of sleep and grumpiness.

i've been doing some reading and some self assessing, and i believe i've been misdiagnosed all this time. i never thought i fit the manic-depressive suit, or the schizophrenic one. but there is something wrong with me, we all know that. i'm psychotic, given to fits and psychotic episodes and great violence upon myself . . . so i've been reading about BPD. it sounds like me. doc says it sounds like everyone. he is NOT being helpful. but i want to talk to my shrink about it and see if there is a different track we can take with my treatment so i can get better.

upon watching SNL tonight, i discovered Kanye West's "Yeezus" LP. i'm in love. so much techno influence. i'll have to look up the lyrics because i can't understand a damn thing the man says. and i have to say that behind Ben Affleck's performance on SNL, no wonder people were freaking out about him being Batman. another reason not to like superheroes. it was like he wasn't at any of the rehearsals all week. he read off the cue cards the Whole time. sad. not that i liked him much to begin with.

i'm putting together folders of cam pics and poems to make videos with. so all i have to do is make the video when i'm in the mood, not worry about finding all the files and then making the video. it's slow going. many of them need to be edited. and i need to re-record some of them. but i have plenty of pictures for them. no one is watching them, but i have hopes. not in going viral, but in someone finding them who gets it. you can view my channel and subscribe to it (please subscribe to it, it gets me more exposure) here: http://www.youtube.com/user/cydniey.

i was thinking about making a FAQ page for my site, but no one asks me questions, so i have to think of some questions. someone has to have questions, as to why i do what i do. though i don't know that i could answer that particular question. why do i do what i do? why do i feel the compulsion to put all of myself out there to a mostly empty auditorium, and why have i done it to some extent for the last 14 years. it isn't for fame or fortune, or validation.

my parents adopted a new dog this weekend. my mom messaged me on FB about it. crazy woman. don't talk to me for how long and then send me a message about your new dog? i'm sure i have no idea how that woman's mind works. i do kind of wonder about my parents, how they're doing. i know they went to Disneyland a couple of weeks ago, and a cruise over the summer. but other than that . . . nothing. i wonder how my brother is doing. the one who stayed.

so anyway. . .

it's 2 in the morning and i'm not tired, i don't think i'm hungry . . . R, who will be called Mr. Death Metal from now on, had a gig tonight. he was supposed to come over after, the fact that we haven't heard from him tells me things went well. his band is being scouted by the manager of a major US band. and they are suddenly booked up through December. way cool. i'm so happy for him. he's being flakier than normal over it all, but i don't mind. i want to go to one of his gigs and see what it's all about. doc has been, but he isn't very good describing music unless it's stupid hippy music. and yes, this is the same Mr. Death Metal that ran like a girl when the cats brought a rat to the patio while we were out there.

i can't help it, i want another cat at the adoption event this week. another black cat. they have plenty of them. no one adopts them, apparently. they are on sale because of that. i find that so tragic. my black babies are the most precious group of cats you could ever want. but i won't mention it to doc again. it frustrates him because like me, he wants to save them all, too. but he is the adult here, he has to stay practical and know when to say no to me.
2013, cyd, new

"pale shadow of a woman . . ."

can you guess what song i just listened to? that's right! it's fleetwood mac. keep guessing.

okay, two new videos. these have music mixed with them. i'm looking for people to take my work and mix it with music, eventually leading to a studio collaboration. for now i will settle for what i have. i listened to the jdev song about 47 times today while getting the video ready.

oddly, those two videos were not part of the stuff i gathered last night. so i have more videos in the pipeline, as it were.

http://youtu.be/BOJQ5PrrQKQ
and
http://youtu.be/ZZz2d7wUulg

pass them along to your musically inclined friends, would you? thanks ever so.

i've been monopolizing the laptop since we got up at 5. i think i should let doc play with it for a while.
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

i really don't know

i was just sitting here thinking and realized that (i'm not sure about one of my brothers, but this applies to the rest of us) none of the kids in my family grew up to have kids. we don't have traditional marriages, either. it says some curious and interesting things about my parents. those of us that grew up did so to become free spirits. afraid of nothing. that's a hard thing to instill in a kid. but my parents somehow, under the strict confines of the Mormon church, managed to do it. in spite of all my ill feelings about them, i have to thank my parents for that. it's sad that it led most of us to leave the nest forever in violent and ugly wrenching ways. but i guess a price must be paid.

i found pictures of Kasey and posted them on my facebook page. since then i've been thinking a lot about my family. and the epic fail that it was. a dangerous experiment, gone horribly awry. the resentment that i felt when i learned that my parents were no longer strict, in fact they let the kids walk all over them, after they had been so strict and confining with me was a bitter pill to swallow. the kids were always a different group than me. 9-18 years younger than i, they had nothing in common with me. i was their tender, not their sister. and i left the house right when they were getting interesting.

now i know none of them. my sister stopped being my friend on facebook. i think it was because i friended my parents and a few of their Mormon friends from my childhood. c'est la vie. i can't worry about pleasing everyone. they all fucked me over when Kasey died. i owe none of them anything. even my sister. i love her, but she's just as guilty as they are and i don't know that i will ever forgive her for not telling me Kasey was dead until well after the memorial and the distribution of her stuff as mementos to her friends. that was just wrong. as wrong as my parents for whatever part they played in it. the whole thing was cruel and serves as a brightly lit reminder why i don't pick up the phone and call them, and view communication from them suspiciously.

i must have gotten a lot of sleep, or had some helpful dreams (by 'helpful', i mean, purging). i'm all feisty today. i put my lip ring in, stacked my bracelets and put my rings back on. it's the size 32" jeans that are doing it. it's got me all high. and i get dressed up and put on cologne every day, straighten my hair . . . and it's pretty much all for doc and myself. no one else sees me, aside from Chewy's friends on the walks. but i see a benefit in it. it gets me going, keeps me feeling "up". keeps me up, don't want to sleep when i'm looking so good, damn i'm all conceited and shit. but really, taking pride in myself is a renewed feeling that i really missed.

the pants i brought home from storage fit me now. i just have to ditch this muffin top. there's nothing else for it, i'm going to have to work out the muscles under the loose skin and remainder of fat. but the daily walks, after years of nothing but sitting, are really improving my lower body fast. and cutting down the coffee and sugar and stepping back the food has made a difference fast. so i figure if i do some crunches and such, it should make a difference fast. there's no reason i can't have a nice body. now that i give a shit again.

i've owned my muffin top and named it (Bert, for those who have forgotten), and now i'm getting rid of it. it's cool to be confident when you're not at your best, but it's better to be at your best. where the hell did that come from?

so cafe press has automated their designer for products and i can no longer find the dimensions that the designs need to be. and i'm supposed to be making t-shirts for kelli and i. though they got really expensive while they were at it. and their layout is like pinterest now. i need to spend some time on the site and see if i can't dig up the info i need. oh, if all else fails, hell this may be easier, download the images i have up already and check their sizes. duh. well that's settled. i'm not particularly interested in designing new stuff. i just want to make this one tshirt for kelli and i. i can't sell it because it isn't my saying, but i figure i can do them up and order them for us and then delete them. it's a creepy font (that i found in my hunt the other day, there are a lot of creepy fonts out there) that says, "you think i'm crazy, you should see me with my best friend". i need to update some of the stuff up there because it has a URL that is no longer active. just in case someone buys one of my designs, i'd like it to promote the right site.

and it's time i redid my site, but i'm at a loss as to what or how or anything. i've been looking at old designs, and i had a lot of talent. what happened to that? so i open the pages in dreamweaver and study what i did and how i formatted and such. i used a lot of graphics. so far, my favorite page is the old OLAS page. i really knocked myself out on that one. and there are a couple of fabulousdisaser.com designs i still like. i'm even thinking about recycling one. at least the layout of it. i'm kind of over the colors that i used. but i think it may be tie to stop using the Courier font. maybe a nice Hevetica.

i'm torn between giving doc the laptop and making him go to bed. the cam was flipping out so i turned it off and now it won't play nice with the software so i have to wait until i restart. i'm doing ten different things. kelli was telling me she read that we are not wired to multi-task, we CAN do many things at once, but none of them well. so i should really finish this and make it 9.

so how does this picture gallery/scrapbook work? i should read the FAQ, i suppose. if all goes well, those two pictures of Kasey and me will be with it. i really don't know.
2013, cyd, new

yeah, and so . . .

fall is officially here. and it felt like it today. simply gorgeous. now that the sun is down, the wind has died down and the temperature has dropped.

i watched Sid and Nancy tonight. it's the millionth time i've seen it, but the first time in 20 years. i felt nothing during it. whereas 20 years ago, it held me in thrall. i am reminded i love the soundtrack. and the fashion tips.

i was going to go to sleep . . . i would have to wake up in an hour and 45 minutes. i guess it's worth it. i have nothing i want to do right now. i may as well catch a couple of hours before going back to work. tonight i want to hook up the USB mic i have and see if i don't have a program that will record audio and video. i have to make a trailer for youtube.