September 17th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

good morning my little polywogs

i awoke at 5:13, noticed doc was here and sat up in a panic, "What time is it!?!?" . . . i went outside with coffee and cigarettes and sat in the dawn getting my head together. and it is in a good space today. i'm feeling more energetic, or i'm sick of looking at the furball over there and i'm ready to vacuum.

and then said furball came to lay down with me, good morning, Simon. him and his long fur.

"But it is unclear whether the VA hospital was required to report his mental health treatment, so it may not have shown up on a background check." - some guy on the news about yesterday's shooter. mmm-hhhmmm. this whole thing is a failure of EVERYTHING. except maybe, just maybe, the quick police response, but it wasn't enough to save 12 people. in all honesty, no snark, i'm sickened by this. that it KEEPS happening and it keeps getting worse. ever since 9/11 . . . i've already said it, the country went to Crazytown and hasn't come back. our country is nesting in an insane delusion that keeps getting people killed. i vote, i advocate, i do what i should as a citizen to help change things for the better, so you'll pardon my disgust when everything keeps going deeper down the pit.

doc and i are getting really good at disagreement resolution. at least with each other, i still have no hope of communicating effectively with the outside world. i told him my master plan last night. showed him the hip pack and the boots i found ( first bag on the page, and the lace up boots). the boots and the hip pack are both fake leather, i'm okay with that. i don't want the boots to trudge through snow or sleet or ice. just for a couple of nice winters in vegas. and the hip pack won't get much abuse either. i can hang my camera pack on the belt, on the other side from the pack, and have a whole holster thing going. that appeals to me more than a rucksack, i'm finally over that. and the messenger bag is even too big. and neither fit my laptop, so i may as well get something small just to carry my ID and phone and keys and blade.

i have yet to meet more than three people in my life that don't have mental health issues. so why is this country still so hush hush about it? makes no sense. i guess it's why porn isn't talked about but it is so prevalent the world over. mental health is our porn.

anyone ever seen a movie called "Breaking Glass"? 1981, starring Hazel O'Connor, a musician that i can best describe as hard core new wave. or maybe art wave. whatever. doc said it made his ears bleed. anyway, i downloaded the movie and the soundtrack last night. i saw the movie when it came out on HBO, in my granparent's living room. it had massive impact on me. later, i played it for a guy at my first college (the mormon one) and he raped me to it. i was afraid last night when i went to listen to the music that the rape would be the only thing i could associate with it, and i was determined to own it again. so i put in my earbuds (wretched things, my headphones will be here any day), and put on the music and sat back and let memory take over, prepared for an onslaught. what came back were pleasant memories of laying on the floor in the sunlight watching the movie and falling in love with Hazel, and dancing around my first apartment half naked to it. i was so pleased.

freddie has been out in the back yard for three hours now and shows no sign of wanting to come back in. she isn't big enough to get up the walls to escape and can't get through the fence any more than chewy can. so if she wants to stay in the yard, good for her.

so, the UN report says that the chemical attack came from the direction of two military instillations. hmmm. i wonder if the rebels have control of those instillations? no, i don't think they do. so the rebels doing the gassing is looking less and less likely. suck it, conservatives. and (i am against the bombing of Syria, let me say first, i'm just playing devil's advocate), how does dropping bombs on a country from high up in the air equal, in any sense of the physical universe, "going in with the muslim brotherhood"? is obama going to attach parachutes to members and drop them with the bombs? stupid conservatives. and stupid B for even bringing it up. ignorant motherfucker.

i'm not getting into any online arguments today. this is a promise i make to myself. therefore, i will stay away from facebook. in fact, i think i'll spend my online time on pinterest again today. yay for being productive. or not.

have a good day!
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

too much of a pain in the ass to be worth anything in the self-defense department

between doc and i, we've filled up a little over a quarter of Blue Max. i had to download all seasons of NCIS because i am convinced when the fall schedule starts, USA channel is going to stop showing it all day. and i will die without it, positively die, i tell you.

i get paid this week. which means kelli gets her package this week and my bills get paid. it's all spent. no $$ for the hip pack i found. gotta wait on that. doc still hasn't made up his mind about the paypal account issue, so i can't start making money. yes, i've thought about getting a part time job since i'm doing better. but if i wear my teeth, no one can understand what i am saying; and if i don't, i look like a deranged pumpkin in a cheap wig. plus, i can't work with people. i'm not a team player. i do not play nice with others. i do not make an effort to be social. and when i get into a situation where i have to deal with people and i can't get out of it, the voices start and the rage builds, and it's just not good. that's why i'm on social security in the first place. i can't be trusted with myself.

we're definitely NOT getting another full time room mate. men are scary and chicks are fucking nuts.

one of my earrings broke today. now i've pretty much quality tested the findings and the beads i use. they put up with a lot of abuse. now i either have to fix them tonight, or pick another pair. i think i'll wear my pride earrings for a while. i don't want the holes to close up, which they very much want to do. which i don't understand, i've had them since i was 5.

ahh, shit, it figures. i finally turn the cam on and it flips out. i'm not turning the long-shot cam on until i take my nap, since i'm wearing boxers and i feel self-conscious about my legs today.

this most recent shooting has me thinking that i should get a gun before they actually tighten the laws and i can't qualify anymore. if Alexis could get a gun, i shouldn't have a problem. i can give it to doc to keep in the safe. i certainly wouldn't trust it in my own room, not with my moods. okay, i'm being half snarky. part of me want to get one, but part of me is content with the knife thing. i found another today, i was showing doc a really nice black carbon steel smith and wesson survival knife today and he started looking at the site and found a little knife, 8" with handle, and the handle is wrapped in parachute cord. oh i fell in love. and the thing is less than $20. you can bet that went onto my "Want It" board on pinterest. it's small enough that it will fit in the hip pack i will eventually get. whereas my other blades will not. except my butterfly knife, but that's mostly for show, too much of a pain in the ass to be worth anything in the self-defense department.

anyway, beyond that . . . i located the happy meal toys storage in the garage, so i can pull those out and start photographing them. i have a nice outside setting with plenty of light now and a MUCH better handle on photography than i did 10 years ago.

it's really hard for me to believe that much time has passed. i was on some heavy medication. i think i win the procrastination prize for this one. but hey! the up-side is that they are worth a lot more than they were ten years ago. they're from the 80's they are practically antiques! hehehehehehehehee.

ugh, i have to put pants on and take the dog for a walk. woof. first, feed the cats, so felix will shut up. then, nap. then, wake up and freak out a little. then, wake doc up with coffee and a cigarette and a kiss (awww). then, give doc a time check at 1. then, let him out the garage. then . . . i don't know. we'll see how i feel. i was doing good on 3 pills a day of the med i'm taking, and i reduced it for some illogical reason, and i think that's why i've been off. plus the leggings, they were so comfy. and it's fall, i need more sun. monsoon season ends soon enough. then it will be sunny and cool and i can wear tights and boots and sweaters for a couple of months. i love it here. getting up and getting dressed motivates me to do stuff. if i don't start my morning off right, i'm off all day. and today it didn't start right because doc was here, and he talks to me when i first wake up and totally throws me off.

enough. time to walk the dog.