September 8th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

i'm not like this all t time

there's a radio on my mp3 player. yesterday i figured out how to use it and program it and found a couple of stations here in town that seem to play what i like. i'm all proud of myself now, doubt not.

a friend of doc's is experiencing inner turmoil and there is nothing we can do to help him. we've invited him to come over and relax here for a while, but he's allergic to cats (more proof there is no god). he had a gig last night, but never got back to us to let us know where and when, so we couldn't go support him.

there was also a slam/open mic last night that i missed. i really have to decide if performing is what i want. doing it alone is really freaking me out. i mean, i can perform without any support, but the going and the hanging out in the mean time, i need someone with me. doc and kelli used to come with me and go outside and smoke while i performed. nothing wrong with that.

this day lay out ahead of me dreary and threatening boredom. i hate sundays. i know, most people do. but i'm the one complaining right now so we'll just deal with that. it's been raining in the region for two weeks. parts of the valley are drowning in flash floods, and we get sprinkles and fucking grey skies. i like a break from the sunshine every so often, sure. but two weeks of it with no appreciable rain here is beginning to piss me off. i may as well be back in pittsburgh preparing to freeze my ass off. and the humidity! i came here to escape the cursed stuff, and it's been hot AND humid here, which is miserable.

"i don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but . . ."

doc is watching a documentary on national parks. but i'm not in the mood for a history lesson today. face it, i'm grumpy. i forsee the dog going for a long walk soon. doc is looking like he's in the mood to walk chewy, but i want to do it.

chewy and i curled up together for a few hours tonight, so i did get some sleep. every thing's better with chewy cuddling me.

Vader lost his ding. we found it and pinned to to the bulletin board so we don't lose the tags. so we need to get him a new collar. he can't go out until he has his tags on again. he is not happy with this. he's been trying to beat up on Major to take it out on someone. Major is having none of it. so they roll around on the floor slapping at each other. jesus i hope i'm talking about the cats.

i was on the phone with kelli the other day and shouted. "don't eat that! drop it!" and she said, "i really hope you're not talking to doc." could have been.

doc and i had a heart to heart that we really needed to have. could it be that i'm falling in love with my "husband"? bad lesbian. i may as well be bi. there's no need to cut off half the population. i need to up my odds. i always hated the term "bi-sexual", it makes straight people weird and gay people shut down. and some of the people who have proudly taken the label of "Bi" are such douchebags (tila tequila pops to mind). i tal about my sexuality more than i actually think about it. i once said, it doesn't matter who is loving me, as long as they are loving me. that sums it up.

whoa, history lesson over on TV and Bob Ross is painting happy little trees, cool. he made it all look so easy. i never used oil paints, though. i'm too impatient and cheap, i always went for the acrylics. then i just started using craft and house paint. i have very few paintings, but i love them. both of the ones on actual canvas are hanging in the house now.

i think one of my brothers (the one who disappeared about 8 years ago) is a substitute teacher here in town. i've been scouring the web for him. so little trace, i found one site, Transparent Nevada, that got e the teacher info, but nothing else. so i know he's alive and how much he makes a year, but not where he is. i wonder what my parents think about the tattered rags of our family. the mormon church did not prepare them for this when they let the Eggers adopt four children. the church said they would be blessed. HA. there were some unmentioned caveats and addendums that weren't brought up. like "don't molest them", "don't beat them down into the ground", "actually care for the special needs child". and now they have what? the church, i guess. and one son left. and he won't leave the house except to do jail time. i can't believe i came from them.

my history seems so unreal, i'm going to wake up from it someday and it will all have been a bad movie i fell asleep to while mixing vodka and xanax.

doc has disappeared. i wonder where he went. i think i'll go find him.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

Collapse )
2013, cyd, new

"it was only a kiss"

Reading: Richard Brautigan's "A Confederate General in Big Sur".

love it. i'm going to run out of authors with the way i've been devouring the beats. i'll be back to mindless anne rice fantasies before i know it.

doc wants the laptop. *sigh* i have been monopolizing it and i won't let him go to sleep (it'll fuck up his schedule). so the cam is going off soon. i'll see about hooking the other one up and making it work. i don't know who is watching, but people are, so i'll keep it going. i honestly didn't think there would be any interest in it anymore. no streaming, no sound. maybe that is the appeal. the mystery of what is going on those other 29 seconds. whatever. i'm done trying to figure people out.

i had a wife beater try to tell me my worth today. god, did i get pissed. it took doc an hour to calm me down.

it's been a hard day on Facebook. an old friend changed her profile picture and her mother posted about how beautiful she was. i was/am so jealous. my mom has never told me i'm beautiful. whore, dyke, and fat, sure. then a "friend" spouted off on me and made me want to go over to his house and stab him through the eyes. so i'm taking another break from facebook. going back to twitter. where i'm not followed by anyone i have to worry about offending.

"hey ho, let's go!"

okay. time to end this and my hours long music session and let doc have the laptop. great day. nothing on tv and no weed. i think i'll go to sleep.

"the phone is ringing
and the clock says 4am
well, if it's your friends
i don't want to hear from them
please leave your message at the tone
or you can just go on
and leave me alone."

oh, wish me luck, y the way, please. i entered to win tickets so see Adam Ant. winning tickets is the only way i'll get to go, and i really want to go.

have a great day. or i'll hunt you down.