September 6th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

that can't possibly taste good

i just called one of my neighbors a bad name. i didn't mean for her to hear me, but i'm pretty sure she did. as i was walking by, i looked at her and smiled and she gave me a dirty look and looked away. when she got into her car, i commented to Chewy what an unfriendly cunt she was. then i noticed her back window open. oops. shouldn't have given me that dirty look, i guess. don't fuck with me at 6am.

tonight is First Friday AND the gay pride parade. i want to go so bad. doc wants to put me on a bus and send me down alone. nice, huh? that would be great for him, he loves wandering alone, i get freaked out. especially in an unfamiliar part of town. and for the first time in months, we have gas money for the trip downtown, so we wouldn't have to take the scooter. although taking the scooter would be fun. so we'll see how today goes. i'll get doc to sleep and relax and hopefully we can go tonight. i think we would have fun.

i was a raging shit yesterday. i was so mean to doc for no reason. so i went back to bed. and i stayed there until i felt like a human being again. i don't know what my deal was. part of it was him coming home at 6:18 and waking me up and me not getting my quiet time in the morning. i need my mornings.

well, shit. the house is clean. my room is clean. there's nothing to do. i walked the dog before the sun came up because i didn't want to sweat too much. i sweat like a race horse on my face and i straightened my hair last night, so i can't get it wet. not even with sweatiness.

major has just climbed onto my lap, pinning my arms to my legs with my hands on the keyboard. he doesn't seem to want me to pet him, he's just laying here being quiet. we're lucky he has such a pleasant meow. it's not harsh or whiny or demanding. like felix's meow, whiny, harsh AND demanding. he starts up at feeding time. and there are times he makes so much noise while i get the food ready that i have to put him outside until i'm done.

the girl next door confuses me. i don't know how old she is, younger than me, but not by more than 10 years. she has two kids and lives above the garage with her giant poodle miles (yes, the one of the bark fest the other night). when i'm out on the porch and she thinks i'm not looking, she stands there with her hand on her hip staring at me like i'm in a fucking zoo. then yesterday, the guy next door that we're friends with heard that i was in pain and told doc to wait outside. the next thing doc knows, she comes out of the house, hands him a couple vicodin and wordlessly goes back into the house. weird. i thank her. the relief from the tooth pain for a few hours was great.

i've stopped eating solid food. i know the tooth is going to come out. but i just have to put it off as long as i can. when i think of losing another tooth, i just start crying. i try not to let doc see it.

my hair is about 5 different shades of blonde. i like it. it looks horrible by any hair dresser's standards, but i like it. it's not that noticeable when it is curly. when it's straight, it is VERY noticeable. i have red dye to cover it up, but i'm really liking the blonde and the red will just be vibrant for a few days and then wash out and i will have taupe hair again.

does old navy have skinny jeans? i want a pair of skinny jeans and a new pair of boots (that aren't doc martens) for the fall/winter. i haven't had new boots in a decade. i've been waiting for the ones i like come back into fashion. which they have. it shouldn't be too hard to find a cheap pair i like. i have enough tshirts. but i only have two pair of jeans that don't have holes in them, and they are both drastically out of fashion. i am by no means a style diva, but this fall, some things have come back that i really like that i used to wear back in the day.

i always said if i were skinny i would dress better. well, i'm skinny now. have been for a while. and while i am dressing better (i change my clothes daily now, instead of once a week) and wearing stuff i bought for skinny time, i'm tired of it all and i want a bit of modern style. i even have a style board on pinterest. something is very wrong with me.

as long as i don't stumble into looking like a hipster. i'm too old for that. i would look and feel ridiculous. and who would i be impressing? 20-somethings? no one's opinion could be less important to me. people are completely useless until their 30's and by that time most of them are mellowing and breeding and putting their brains to sleep. or, in the case of this town, just breeding and drinking. never have i seen such a town full of functional drunks. it's like water here. everyone we know drinks and drives, which is why we won't get into a car with any of them.

my new plot is to get out of the suburbs and move downtown. but i don't know that i'm ready for that. i'm a suburban girl. i like the wide streets and lack of traffic and trees and all the trappings of the suburbs. the space, the general quiet. i would miss these things. and downtown is filling up with hipsters, anyway. it's more fun to live the good life here surrounded by breeders who keep to themselves and mow their lawns on wednesdays.

so beaded necklaces are out and long chains and chunky charms are in. so i won't be making any more beaded necklaces to sell. the earrings i make will always have a market. Boho is always in style somewhere.

awwe, there's a cat sneezing somewhere in the hallway. a-chew-mew!
2013, cyd, new

i'm still in a Muppet quagmire

i'm still having memory blanks and hallucinations. i just plugged in my play list flash drive and found a song on it i don't remember ever hearing or hearing of, and i love it. these things really disturb me. this week i hallucinated that jack was at the shelter and sent doc an email about a cat that looked nothing like him. and i'm walking around pretending that i'm fine. the voices get louder. it's when they take over that i get mean, i feel out of control, spinning downwards. i have to exert control over something . . . the other day it was the cam. i dismantled the whole set up in an episode. i'll put it back together tonight when doc wakes up.

meanwhile, i'm acting all stable . . . my ability to fake it is coming back. i have missed it. as long as i can smile and fake it . . . things will get better.

i've found a fabulous way to cope, when i get into a rage, i take all the ice cube trays outside and throw ice cubes at the cinderblock walls. so satisfying. and it wears me out.

for about 15 minutes we had plans to go down to First Friday and the Gay Pride Parade and to hand out fliers for R's band on Freemont St. . . . those 15 minutes are over and i'm deciding which incarnation of muppet i'm going to entertain myself with tonight. farscape muppets. fraggle rock muppets. tv show muppets. movie muppets. so many muppets, and i have so little time. oh, labyrinth muppets.

i don't know why i didn't put music on earlier. i've been bored stupid when i could have been sitting here listening to music. it's like when i have a panic attack and i know the valium is just in the other room, but i don't go get it for some reason. what is it about me denying myself things? where did i get this martyr complex from? like i have to be better than something. but what? i'm the only one that i let judge me. granted, i'm rather harsh on myself, but who isn't?

i recommend Rev Theory. like i said, i don't know where this song came from, "Broken Bones". i wonder if their other stuff is consistent with this, i love it. i think i'll download their LP. okay,as long as i don't look at the guy singing. his voice is much bigger and more mature than he is. he looks like he could be a hipster now. ech.

i talked to kelli for an hour tonight. i miss her so much. it's so hard to have your best friend across the country. i found this saying on FB the other day "If you think i'm crazy, you should see me with my best friend," which is SO kelli and i. she'll be out to visit in the next 6 months. we'll have fun. and i'll take pictures this time.

my quest for the perfect handmade hip pack continues. the belt i had wasn't big enough. i want it to fit around my hips. this calls for a visit to the thrift store. i wonder if doc would take me to Savers tomorrow to look for a belt. and maybe a pair of jeans. we were going to loan money to a friend, but they ended up not needing it. so i'd like to take a tiny portion of it and get a belt and jeans. if i end up not being able to find the right belt, i will go to a fabric store and get webbing and make my own belt. i've done it before.

"somewhere in a lonely hotel room there's a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned it's back on him"

i also want to order some gun metal chain (i know where to get it) to make myself a couple of necklaces. i'm all about the style this season change. so weird of me. to want to give up my precious doc marten's for more feminine (but not TOO feminine) boots is not like me. i trip over my style, i don't go out and look for it and suddenly i'm all about looking for it. maybe it's a mid-life thing. maybe it's a peri-menopausal thing. possibly it's just boredom. whatever it is, i want to feed it and see where it takes me. i'll never give up tshirts and jeans. ever. and i won't give up my wife beaters. i've acquired them in every color i really like to wear.

it's post dinner time and all the cats are laying around passed out. even the ones that don't eat wet food. and chewy is dead to the world. he has these little freakouts at cat feeding time. it's so cute. while i was saying goodbye to kelli, chewy and evie were rolling around wrestling on the kitchen rug. so damn cute. he spends about half of his day out on the patio asleep on one of the padded chairs. he seems much happier. i need to read more about training dogs, because i'm not doing very well with chewy. he's finally gotten "on your butt" is a requirement for getting his harness put on for walks. but he's not getting "be cool", which is lay down. he goes into a belly up submissive thing, not what we're looking for when we tell him to be cool. and we demonstrate to him. lay him down while repeating "be cool, bitch, be cool". it worked with fergie and darwin. i'm afraid i don't have much experience training dogs. trying to get him to heel is hell. heh. doc is much stricter with him than i am when walking. i usually let chewy lead, figuring he'll do what he needs to do more quickly if i let him go where he wants.

i'm still in a muppet quagmire. i found A Knight's Tale on BBCAmerica. i'll leave that on while i listen to more music.

i can't decide what to do. pinterest? make videos? read? i should read some of Brautigan's poetry and let him inspire me to write some of my own. there's a slam tomorrow night, it's for placement on the slam team. the very word "team" makes me cringe, i could never be on a team. i think there's an open mic, as well, and that does interest me. i always love to perform. i'm such a ham. public speaking has never been a fear of mine.

it has recently occurred me that i don't care for super heroes. doc said duh. he said he figured it out when not even Robert Downey Jr. could get me to watch Iron Man 2 or beyond with any interest. maybe that's why i have a block against my friend's book that he wrote. it's about a super hero. not interested. please don't take my fangurl card away.