September 3rd, 2013

2013, cyd, new

smurfs only know

major and vader are playing pounce. the dog is out trying to escape. felix is wandering around the house growling. i live in a zoo.

there was a 5 month old kitten up for $10 adoption that we thought about getting, and doc decided against it for some very personal reasons. today he told me he regretted the decision. i'm up in the air about it. at this point, one more mouth won't make a difference. and if we can afford to take in an unwanted animal, we should. *sigh*

we dewormed all the cats. no worm sign. everyone is clean. stupid psycho cunt trying to get me to panic and implying that i don't care well for my cats about worming them and they all had worms and blah blah blah. and we deworm them and everything is fine. stupid bitch. i'm glad she doesn't work at a vet any more. i can't imagine her working at an emergency vet hospital, the way she panics about everything and freaks everyone out about it.

ack! i'm talking about her! it's bad enough i dream about her, nightmares, but to waste energy talking about her. . . stupid.

major seems to have won the game of pounce. he's walking around the house bragging about it. vader is in the comfy chair. heh.

i finally found a place to put the cursor in this cursed window that will not interfere with my typing if my hand brushes the touchpad. i am very happy about this.

i found a bunch of mp3 disks that i plan to go through tomorrow. i was looking for the printer software. i was being lazy and was looking for the program that transfers scanned type to text. i really don't want to input these next ten poems. so anyway, i was looking for it. and i found these other disks. very cool. i looked on the site for the software, and they only have it as a USB download thing, and my printer is parallel. so i will input the poems tomorrow. break down and get it done.

my hair still smells like the bleach stuff. i missed a big area on the back of my head. the next time i need to do my roots, i think i'm going to go to a cheap salon and have it done right. have my hair trimmed, too. it's grown an inch and a half since it was cut and some of the ends are not healthy, and it's too long without the layering.

windows update hosed my virus software again. and i had updates turned off. i don't know how they happened. but the first thing they do is fuck my anti-virus. i really don't like bill gates. it's nothing personal. his products are just obnoxious. somehow Widows Live got installed and turned on and i can't figure out how to get rid of it. it keeps wanting me to sign in and the only possible sign in i would have doesn't work. so i have no idea what it is, i just know it's stopping me from doing things in a certain way. no fair, gates.

i know someone who puts their four year old in mortal danger regularly and i don't know what to do about it. something bad is going to happen. and i feel like i should do something. i guess it's none of my business and i'll just let life happen. frankly, with the parents he has, the kid would be better off dead.

vader is now freaking out on the comfy chair.

it's three am . . . i am usually getting up about now or in the next hour. so should i just stay up? i could do my chores. that would be kind of fun. turn on all the lights in the house and do my work. i don't have much to do. vacuum, dishes, laundry, litter boxes. or should i go to bed for a few hours and get up later and do my chores? this is a real dilemma for me. ack. bed sounds comfortable, but my mind is up and alert. my body is pretty much always up for activity of some kind. maybe i'll go have a cigarette and consider it.

oh, fuck syria. it isn't iraq. it isn't our business. it is a distraction, i swear Assad is working with the GOP to keep the US distracted from what should actually be going on. there is financial shit to deal with. this at least put a temporary stop to the Obamacare bullshit. but jesus christ, every time it looks like something might get done in congress that will actually forward this country in some way, some shit like this comes up and everyone has to drop everything and start writing letters about this and making phone calls and having lunches about this. stupid stupid country. it doesn't have to be like this. we are better than this. we have to be. i have to believe that. no matter all the fuckery that keeps happening to me, i have to keep my ultimate faith that people will do the right thing. i have yet to be proven right, but i'm stupid this way. i am NOT for military action in Syria. i'm not concerned that they are providing WMDs to Iran, frankly if a back assward country like Syria has access to sarin bombs, smurfs only know what Iran has.
2013, cyd, new

i can't even think of a subject line, it's just too much for me

well, i've been up all night. four boxes unpacked. house vacuumed. kitchen cleaned. things moved around into more permanent places. i have been busy all night. now i'm waiting for doc to get home to help him with his list of things to do. i have no desire to sleep.

chewy has a tummy ache. i don't know if it's because he hasn't gone poopie, or what. he's been out back eating grass and laying on the chair all day. he comes in every so often to cool down. then he goes back out. i thought he was mad at me because he wouldn't come to me, so i sat outside with him for a while and watched him and he is a grass eating machine today. that means he's going to puke, so really, it's best he stay outside. i need to put some water out there, though.

i was hoping the laundry would be dry by now, but it's just too humid outside right now. it's been hanging since 3 this morning, and was in the direct sun for 2 hours. i had just kind of hoped to have had it put away by the time doc got home.

what else can i do today? hang more art. i'm hanging kelli's big painting in the dining room. i have the Ghost in the Shell silkscreen to hang in my room, and the Mirror of Truths. and i have to find something to put in the corner where the printer is. i also need to gather all the empty boxes in the garage and break them down and put them away. that will take a lot of clutter out of the garage. i can think of two big piles of empty boxes that are absolutely in the way.

i found a treasure trove of writing today while i was going through my files. my first poetry book, and a ream of journal pages from various notebooks. i can't wait to dig through it. i have too much other computer stuff on my plate right now to think of adding it as a project yet.

i think they are going to keep printing "Stop Poking Me Lady" over at but i can no longer offer 40% off for you. i know, like anyone is interested. i'm writing this mainly to document it.

cryo, if you're reading this, you made me cry today. i found an old email you wrote me where you said some really supportive wonderful things, that, all these years later, it did me good to hear again. thank you. lilliane, you are one lucky broad.
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

quiet time

doc's asleep so it's time for me to be quiet.

i took a three hour nap earlier. i feel like i could stay up forever.

speaking of that, doc and i had a talk about this change of mood of mine. i worried it was a manic episode, but he is quite sure from the outside that it isn't. and i don't feel frantic and wired, i just feel alive. i feel like a shroud has been lifted off my brain. he thinks it's the med change. so i'm not worried anymore, i'm just going to go with it and just try to make sure i keep taking care of myself. i've eaten, taken my meds, brushed my teeth . . . washed my hair, even. to get the bleach smell out of it.

we were advised to give chewy a tums for his belly ache. we popped it in his mouth, got him to swallow it, and 20 minutes later, he was back to himself. he's back outside asleep, but i think he's out there now mainly because he loves sunset and twilight, and because it is really nice outside. it's 97 degrees, but it feels much cooler, it is no where near as humid as it was this time yesterday.

oh shit, i should have pulled out the writing before doc went in to go to sleep. oh well. that just means i can sleep this evening while he sleeps and stay up all night playing with my old writing. there is one poem in particular i'm looking for that i hope i still have a copy of. i didn't appreciate it when i wrote it, but it's been haunting me and i want to read it again and see if i've changed my outlook on it. it's one of the few poems i wrote when i went to college the first time. it's called "Suicide in the Rain". i know i had it when i was working on Aardvark Anthology (my first book of poetry i ever tried to put together), so it should be in with those poems. finding those was a gift. even if i don't find that one and it is lost forever. any of my old work gives me insight into myself that the journals just don't do.

the only good thing i learned from the Mormon church was the importance of journaling. i've kept journals in various forms since i was 13. i'm 43 now. 30 years of a life. and i documented my emotions through most of it.

sunset was nice tonight. no amazing purples and pinks, but a nice array of oranges and yellows. i can see it from where i'm sitting. i saw the sliver of the moon last night and it made me happy. and on my walk with chewy at 5 this morning, i saw orion, the only constellation i know, and that made me happy, too. i used to have a friend who had a special meaning with me and orion. we're still friends, i guess, but there's nothing special about it anymore. now orion is special to me because i recognize it and i love the way it looks.

i got another free 100 prints of photos. i'm actually printing out some from my pr0n days. some of the more tasteful pictures. i had to take some money out of my savings to pay for the postage after paying rent, but it was worth it. i got prints of chewy and major, too. so i can include those in the package i'm sending kelli later this week. then she'll have pictures of all my pets for her niece to look at. she loves cats. so i figure pictures of my cats are the way to her heart. and . . . i just got the email confirming that the prints have been shipped. woo-hoo!

which Kill Bill is your favorite? this week, mine is 1. i just saw it again this weekend. i can't get the music out of my head. i'm going to have to download the soundtrack. i need some of that music on my play list. where does tarantino hear this stuff? he has such an exposure to music, it's amazing. his soundtracks always blow me away.

my favorite pair of jeans tore today. in the knee. doc asked me what size jeans i wear, so maybe he'll pick me up a new pair at walmart or the thrift store this week when he gets paid. he's all stressed out because he likes to keep a buffer of a certain amount of money in his account, "just in case", and we had to go below that this week. so for two days, we have only half our emergency funding. i'm pretty zen with it. stressing out about money is just not my thing, as much as i talk about it. but he's in knots.

jesus, i was going to go out and have a smoke 45 minutes ago and i got sucked into this. be right back.

and as i smoked, i thought to myself that i would turn on NCIS and go to sleep. i'm bored. but now that i'm back in here, i'm not tired any more. maybe i'll have some fig newtons.
2013, cyd, new

woof woof fucking woof

six feet from th side of the house we are on (the garage is on the other side) is a cinder block wall. two feet from that is a balcony with a large barking poodle called miles on it. i don't know if it's keeping doc awake but it kept me awake. the creature has been barking for three hours. oh, and the guy behind us got a mic and amp. and ten o'clock is not too late to sing the Fray off key for the neighborhood. i'm not fond of our neighbors tonight. i'm going to have my morning coughing fit outside on the patio tomorrow and wake all these motherfuckers up.

evie is being affectionate. in fact she doesn't want me writing right now. she'd rather be on my lap, squishing my tummy.

oh my god, i'm going to kill that dog. the girl who owns it has never done this before, so i'm assuming something is wrong. all the lights are out over there and the small dogs are out. but miles the giant poodle is trapped on the balcony, barking his giant head off. i miss my headphones.

maybe i'll wire them back together tonight. i have electrical tape and wire strippers. and the will to have my headphones back.

i will have to admit, laying down felt good. i dozed at one point because doc was calling to me and i didn't hear him. he thought chewy was outside egging miles on. but no, chewy was curled up with me. then i tried to doze again, but the barking was too much. imagine doc thinking my precious chewy was causing this ruckus. chewy is currently passed out on the big couch. i guess if you can sleep in the shelter, you can sleep anywhere. good puppy.

i just went in to get a valiu, yes, miles the giant poodle is keeping doc awake. i don't see him going to work tonight. oh, wait, the dog has stopped. doc can get an hour and a half of sleep if he goes to sleep now.

sweet silence. yay! doc can get some sleep. it's too late for me to lay down. i'll sleep once doc has gone to work.

oh yeah, Jon Stewart is back tonight. i should go out and smoke now so i don't miss any of it. i haven't watched all summer because i really don't care for John Oliver.