July 9th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

what he wanted to do all along

something happened between doc and i and i have lost the will to live. the only thing keeping me alive are a failed suicide attempt last night (30 ambien and a 6 pack of beer would have done something, you would think), and the animals. last night i didn't care about the animals. if doc didn't like chewy, he would have taken him back to the shelter this weekend to take him away from me. things are bad. doc apologized and thinks everything should be okay, but it isn't. it never will be again. i will never love again. and i am definitely out of love with doc.

i don't know what i'll do. all i've done is sleep for the last two days. this is the longest i've been up. i get up, drink some coffee, smoke a cigarette and go back to bed. i don't want to be up. there is no reason to be. doc has walked chewy the last two days.

he stayed home last night. you would think, to watch me. and you would be wrong. i finally told him what i had done and not to let me go to sleep. and he went to sleep. i finally couldn't fight it around 4am and fell asleep on the couch and woke up to doc kicking the couch to wake me up. he can't just wake me up like a human being.

i won't say i hate him. i don't. i don't feel anything toward him anymore. complete apathy. he's crossed a line and ended it finally. what he wanted to do all along.