June 28th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

all this and no weed

i'm feeling a little calmer today. i'm still madder than hell at Raul. after a year and a half of friendship, he tells doc to lose his number. doc was stunned. he had no idea where this was coming from. then Neil called and started shit and doc told him he wished him well and to have a nice life. Neil texted a few minutes later trying to explain himself. near as i can tell, we accidentally moved in next door to his mortal enemy. and even though doc doesn't talk to the guy, Neil got all bent out of shape about it. fuck these people. is this what happens when it gets hot? the entire world loses its mind? or is it just the people in this city?

the B and J asked if they could move in again. NO. no kids. no domestic abuse situations. no new yorkers. i don't care that they have to put all their stuff in storage and move into a weekly motel. they should have paid their rent. B should have kept one of the many jobs he had and been a responsible adult. now they are fucked and it isn't up to us to put out their drama. if J had any sense, she'd grab the kid and move back to new york and get as far away from B a possible. and this is me being honest from now on. i'm tired of people shitting on me while i smile at them. from now on i call a douchebag a douchebag.

i hurt myself last night. my arm is covered with cigarette burns and eraser burns. i couldn't take the inner turmoil anymore. i couldn't take the voices telling me it would be okay. and it was after i did it. i got really high on pain endorphins. of course doc is going to freak right out when he finds out. but what is he going to do, take my pot away? i don't have any. he gave me enough yesterday to get high once. big fucking deal. i i can live without it. i won't be happy about it, but it's been five days without it and i'm not happy as it is. so screw it.

my only worry is that he'll put me back in the hospital. and i will do anything to stay out of there. there's nothing they can do but drug me up into a ball of uselessness. and that's what they'll do. if i do have to go to the hospital, i'm not speaking the entire time i'm there. i'm tired of talking to people. they just misunderstand me. they just twist my words and make up what they want to hear.

and i'm tired of people treating doc like shit. he is a really easy going guy. he doesn't give up on people. and it hurts him when they turn on him. i just want to stab Raul. make him hurt the way he made doc hurt. i fantasize about it. him coming to the door. me pulling my dagger out of my back pocket and stabbing him multiple times through the security gate. maybe not even stabbing, just slashing. make him bleed. bleed out all over my porch. i want to see his blood drying in pools among the dead leaves and door mat.

this has been such a bad year for people. i give up. the next person that comes to me for help gets laughed at. and told to fuck themselves. no one helps us. they just use and use until we have nothing more to give. and then they want more.

syzane felt like she was entitled to what we had because we had more than her. what kind of fucked up shit is that? we don't live in a commune, we're not stinky hippies. we're not communists. we do what we can to help others and they just want us til we're drained, financially, emotionally . . . every way.

from now on i'm acting out. i'm not keeping my crazy to myself anymore. i won't inflict it on doc but the rest of the world is free game.