May 28th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

no more lame excuses

i've been trying a new tactic in my life: doing things when they occur to me or when i am asked, instead of waiting and forgetting. i've decided to apply that to my work as well. no more of this, oh i need this or to do that or any of that shit.

that being said, new video: it's called "crybaby" and it's about doc. it's set to pictures of me/an oil fire on the freeway.

i found and downloaded Audacity, a free audio editing/recording program. it does everything i need it to do and no more. i got the audio file edited, searched for pictures, set everything up and the video making process was painless. and now it's done. and i will do another tomorrow.

i also didn't spend an hour harvesting poetry today, i'll spend two hours tomorrow. i can get through 09 and 08 quickly enough. the tricky part comes when i get to the years i was writing a single thought on every line, instead of in paragraphs. then i have to read through every damn entry to figure out what is poetry and what i me rambling. i expect to find quite a few accidental poems in there.

i was going to go to sleep, but i took a vicodin instead. i only had a couple left. i really wish i knew what happened to the 30 or so pills that are missing. oh well. spilled milk. i'm not using them for pain right now anyway. i have one left. what i do with it depends entirely upon what i do tonight. stay up all night or go to bed. i'm for staying up all night. i still have to get a shower/bath and vacuum. tomorrow is shitty tv day. i may as well sleep through it.

doc sprained his thumb falling off the scooter earlier. it wasn't swollen when he got up, though he said it was stiff. i offered to wrap it up in an ace bandage to minimize the mobility, but he needs that hand for his mouse at work.

mmm . . . vicodin and coffee. i can see how people enjoy this, but feeling this way all the time? i couldn't deal with it.

in the morning i call my shrink. i not only try to get an appointment for myself, but also try to get doc in to see him. instead of leaving the evil man, i am dragging doc in to his web. since he's out of network it's $65 for each of our appointments. that's for fifteen minutes of divided attention and email confirmation of prescriptions. i'm going back because i have no choice, and now that i'm on meds that are working, i can just coast on them for a while. i have enough cymbalta to last me two months and a refill on the prolixin, it's the valium i need renewed. and the drug company will not authorize a 90 day script at the dose i take, so i have to refill it every thirty days at CVS instead of having it mailed to me. it's more expensive that way, but with valium, only by four dollars.

since doc announced his intent to go to cambodia, i have been hyper-aware of money. usually i don't deal with it. i never carry cash, doc handles the money, when i want something i ask for it. if it's doable, i get it. like today with the photos. instead of getting pizza this weekend, i got those. and saved money over getting the pizza. doc pays the bills and does the budgeting. but i REALLY want him to go. so i'm watching every penny i ask to spend. even when making my shopping list. which i usually don't do.

the cats are getting on well. vader and evie have stopped fighting and even bagira and evie seem to have come to a detente. she has something against bagira that i've never gotten.

vader continues to be an evil monkey. they were really off at the shelter when they put his age at 2 years. he's no where near that old. just huge. he's not old enough to be outdoors every day (at least that is doc's way of saying he's not ready for vader to leave the nest) so he just goes out a couple of days a week. sometimes he hops the wall and goes exploring for a half an hour, but mostly he just stays in the yard with me.

lelu is doing really well. she's put back on all the weight she lost last year and won't stop jumping up on things. her general disposition has improved since the warm weather came back. she goes outside with me in the morning and goes potty and lays down in the shade and rolls around like a kitten. a fifteen year old cat behaving like that . . . i love it. she's also gotten her voice back and i suspect she never lost it, just stopped using it to be a pain in the ass. now she won't shut up.

simon, my baby, my careful enigma . . . he is eating again. and no longer throwing up. he spent the day in the bedroom inspecting the changes i made when i cleaned it. he seems to approve. he's got more room to get up on things, and that is really all he wants. i'm feeding him kitten chow along with his wet food instead of the usual kibble. trying to get him some extra nutrition. he has mattes all over his belly and i don't know how in the world i'm going to cut them off of him. the only thing he is more protective of than my room is his belly. doc said he wasn't going to help, but i'm sure he will. i'd like to get simon shaved again this summer, but that means putting him under general anesthesia (wow, spelled that right on the first try) and i don't know how safe that is.

turns out evie is not microchipped. she just has some scar tissue. so we still don't know who her family is. well, it's us now. but who her family was. we decided to do the right thing and return her, so we got her checked by Dr. Rose. no chip. so now we know unequivocally that we are doing the right thing by taking her in and loving her. and since then, her attitude seems to have changed towards me. well, i know it wasn't that, but it happened right around the same time. she's bringing me food and letting me pet her belly and meowing at me when i say her name.

bagira is his own cat. he spends most of the day on top of a pair of shorts draped over a crate of mason jars. he gets up to eat, play with his catnip sock and come over and purr and nag until he gets pets. he doesn't really interact with the others. he still doesn't want to go out. at his old house he was almost exclusively an outdoor cat. he's been out to play twice since coming here. he's much happier in here with the endless supply of food and climate control.

felix is mostly an outdoor cat now. he has decided he would rather be that than deal with the other cats. i'm perfectly fine with that. he meows when he wants to go out in the morning and i let him out. usually he will hang out with me on my lap while i smoke and drink my first cup of coffee. then he comes home at sundown for wet food. eats, then starts growling at everyone and gets let back out. sometimes he comes home before i go to bed, sometimes not. whatever he's doing out there all the time agrees with him. his coat is shiny and soft and he is getting very muscular.

i have given up all hope on freddie growing up. she is tiny with a huge belly and is going to stay that way. she's acting very mature and it throws me because she looks like a kitten without the kitten fuzz. she has a full, soft and silky coat on that tiny body. and i still can't capture the proportions of her on camera. trust me, she's funny looking.

and i think that's all of them. yep, that covers the zoo.

tomorrow when i'm not working or sleeping, i'll think i switch out the tvs and hook mine up in the bedroom. i don't get cable in there but i have a VCR and DVD player and i'll get cable in there this summer. it's free in additional rooms, so i just need the tech to come out and hook it up. the cable that's in my room right now is currently for the satellite dish outside. but that will also mean i hook up the stereo, and i can listen to CDs in my room. ooh, and the radio. i haven't listened to the radio in years. i can't stand radio commercials. they have no visuals so they feel they have to be loud and obnoxious to get your attention. i hate that.

and, hey, i can leave the radio on softly for simon during the day. it is my experience that cats like NPR. i don't know why. but every cat i've ever exposed to the radio has loved NPR. probably for the same reason it puts me to sleep.

we moved the cat bed out here today. it was full of toys. i say "was" because as soon as i brought it out freddie and vader emptied it. yesterday vader emptied out the toy cubby and then batted each and every one under the cabinet. today he just spread them all out on the floor. i can't wait to see what he does when i vacuum again. every day is an adventure with that cat. i think tomorrow we'll also have a catnip fest. it's bee a couple of weeks. i think it's time. i guess i'll do that when they wake up and then i'll vacuum. then vader will be all kitty-stoned when i put his toys away.

okay, i think i'll get to that poetry harvesting now. after i set a fresh pot of coffee up to brew and prepare lelu's food for tomorrow.

have a good whatever-it-is-when-you-read-this.
2013, cyd, new

sleep and a lack of

after falling asleep at the desk at 4:30, i lit some incense and went to bed. i couldn't sleep. so i meditated for an hour and a half and then got back up. i feel like i got sleep. i think after a shower i will feel even better.

oh yes, the shower was glorious. hot hot hot water followed by fans blowing cold air. so great. i'm scrubbed, conditioned, lotioned, perfumed, combed out, scrunched and ready to go!

i suddenly realized that i have no emotional connection to my birth name anymore. in fact, i can't believe people called me Kris for so long. just typing the name is strange. i've been Cydniey for so long now. i think it may be time to legally change my name and make it official. break all ties to my birth family, since i'm living my own life without them.

okay, there is nothing but cereal for breakfast, so i think i'll skip it. oh, wait, i have a cheeseburger in the fridge. ha! three more days and we get to go grocery shopping. we are not by any means out of food, just food that i like. i started eating all of a sudden and ate everything i had in the house.

then it's time to get to work. i'm in the mood to edit, so it's time to get in gear with the poetry harvest.

go listen to my new piece: it isn't quite a love poem, more of a friendship poem.
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

"and i won't let you let me waste it this time"

took a nap until 6. i feel great now. all the stress of this morning, gone in a puff of dream dust. nice how the brain works things out while you sleep.

i am the Dread Pirate Cydniey. i will run you through.

henry rollins on gay marriage:

i really need to stop humming, i'm scaring the cats. i figured out why i can't hum on key. i can only sing on key if i sing loudly (damn theater training), and i only hum softly. so i can't hum on key. *opens mouth and belts: "tall and tan and young and lovely . . ."

when people ask about "her" at the slam on the 12th, i'm going to simply say, "she moved to a hole in the desert". let them think i put her there. i wouldn't. holes in sand take time and effort to dig, and i'm simply not that invested.

my new campaign is trying-to-get-kelli-to-come-back. she's sick of her job. she's sick of her life. i'm sick of being without her. i mean, it's perfect.

a while ago i mentioned that i made a photobook of the cats and the house and the roses for kel's mom fr mothers day/her birthday. well i finally sent it. and mom loved it! she totally made me cry on the phone when i called kelli today. she was so happy and touched and i just love that woman.

"It's nice to be nice to the nice." - - Frank Burns

doc and kel and i have decided that we are the only truly sane people in this world.

"crazy isn't something you just are, it takes a lot of time and effort to get there." - - Kelli

today's word of the day: twatwaffle. i can't wait to use that. i used it with doc as a trial run. went over well. i can't take credit for it though, i read it on twitter. twitter is full of little gems like that. i've finally started following the right people that RT the funny stuff. i'm finding all sorts of new accounts to follow.

social media sites are a game of skill. you are there to get validation. to be popular. to get the follows and the favorites and the shares and the likes. it's a game of skill that people have only cultivated online. if you don't play that game, you just blindly broadcast your thoughts like i do, it's actually quite fun. it took me a long time to figure that out and stop playing the game. validation from strangers doesn't seem as important as i used to. could it be i'm getting deeper?

mmmmm nom nom. doc just went out and got me corn tortillas. i've been eating a lot of them with melted butter. he's not happy about the diet, but he is happy i'm eating. so he keeps me in corn tortillas. i'm going to go bury myself in them now.

have a nice night. this is probably not the last time tonight you will hear from me.