May 27th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

sudden obsession with grammar

i should be reading a dictionary. but i've been led to this site, http://grammar.wordzilla.com that has me sucked in. i was always good with grammar, because i was raised around well read, well spoken people. i never learned the rules, just went with what sounded right. in college i had a grammar guidebook to get me through technical paper writing. now i'm going to take the lessons, grades 6-10 to refresh. there is this part of me that thinks if i can master this language, maybe i can learn others.

i don't know why grammar. it's like the algebra of writing. it's the most boring, but most important. and i know i can improve my writing by doing this. i've no idea what i'll write about, but what better way to break the rules than to know them well? poetry isn't about grammar to me, it won't affect that. though this wordzilla site also has elementary lessons on poetry i may review, again with the breaking the rules.

and i'd like to see if i can still write "proper" poetry with rhyme and meter and such. i've long lost any traditional poetry i ever wrote, discarding it in favor of what i really do. but it would be nice to know again the rules of a sonnet so i can write one if i want. and why not? i could write a book of nice, proper poems and publish it and suck people into my real, dark poetry world. heh.

i can only read so fast, and only so much at a time. i risk forgetting it when i pile on too much. i did that last night, and ended up having to re-read a lot of it. and in the back of my mind is a voice saying, "it's Bukowski, you've read it before and you'll read it again, go on,".

there is definite movement in the storage situation. doc has been resisting going and i want my books so i want him to go. tonight we discovered that the DVDs, the few we have, are packed in with the books. that did it. he's going to storage tomorrow and i'm helping him put the book case back together. then i'll have a pie of books to read and will have to stop myself reading two or three at one time. that just gets confusing.

Anthony Bourdain just said "Shit" on CNN, he rocks. last hour he was talking to a Myanmar punk band who just want to make it to NYC. last week he allegedly got high during the taping and was high on camera. what a man. he knows how to sell-out, if you want to call what he did that. i don't. make the money. and he's keeping it like he just talking to some friends. i dig that.

felix is home for the night. yesterday he spent the day at home with me curled up on the love seat and all night out. today he spent all day out and came home for dinner, left again and came in for the night. he's perched on the couch above me. for no reason at all i just posted a picture of me and him. he's my babycakes. i miss him when he's out all night. he doesn't often sleep with me anymore, but i like to know he's around.

my faith in people has once again been seriously tested. i think it will be a long time before i let another person into my life. i really wish i could trust people to treat me like i would treat them, but they don't in real life, do they? and they take your kindness as weakness and freak the fuck out when you've had enough and finally shut off the gracious faucet. they take and take and feel it is their right. and even when they take from me, they somehow think that they are better than i am. why can't we be equal and just share?

this is why i like the Family. no one has anything and they are willing to share anything they get. we got invited over to pool lounge and got a place to do laundry from two different "brothers" this weekend. all this because we gave up the scooter to a kid that needed it and loves it. it's a small community, with no leader, no dogma, just people hanging out and showing pride in their place. i'm on the edges of it and am mostly an enigma to these people, but doc has friends now that care and are there for him. it's taken years to get in. like any close knit group.

they all stay close, no matter how far away they are. for instance, S and J are out of state, but they are as much a part of things as anyone, thanks to cell phones. it's like they never left when it comes to gossip. they are right in there.

it's better than a birth family, you have to earn your loyalty and respect, and it's better than a religion because it's real. it's better than friends because it goes deeper than that. i've never seen people from such different backgrounds do so much for each other and be so close to each other. it seemed the one thing religion was always striving for. the one thing gangs are alway striving for. families would kill for it. and in places in america, and i imagine the world over, there are people like us who have this, and we know how lucky we are.

i was going to talk doc into a fourth of july party, but i've lost my desire to be surrounded by people. even the Family, right now. i'm stinging from the sand kicked in my face.

and to be honest, i'm kind of afraid of the women in the Family. they are all mothers. i have nothing in common with them and they are tied down and can't live my lifestyle.

i used to yearn for a place to fit and now any time i find it, i feel shut in. i've been isolated for the last decade. i am really really naive about some shit. i don't trust my instincts anymore. i second guess my judgment. and i can't do that, that is all i have to rely on. i knew better, but hoped for the best. and it didn't work out and i'm stinging again, and i just don't feel like being around people.

i'll stay in and concentrate on the slam on the 12th. oh, i'm going. don't doubt that. i have a crosswalk problem to figure out to get back to the bus stop, but there is nothing i can think of that will stop me from going. alone. and feeling all the better and performing all the better because i did it by myself. and i didn't need her to hold me up, just to wake me up.

whoa. i've gone and said too much. i'll let it go for now.

doc's asleep. i wasn't supposed to let him sleep, but i went out to have a smoke and he passed out on me. his psychotic rooster alarm went off and woke him up, but he didn't stay up. he asked me why i didn't turn it off. i told him i didn't know how (he's got a new touch screen phone that i fear). so he showed me. the other night it went off and there was a blinking graphic that said "dismiss" so i pressed it and i touched it and i poked it and i brushed up against it and the psychotic rooster just kept getting louder and louder until the sound overwhelmed me. fool me. you press the screen anywhere EXCEPT where it says "dismiss". makes sense to me.

he had me playing with it the other day and told me to scroll down. i did not scroll the right way and ended up adding some funky entries into his address book. he was driving the truck at the time and couldn't pay attention to what i was doing. eventually i put it down and told him i was sorry. he pulled over into a neighborhood and sorted it, then taught me how to scroll on his phone. ahhhh . . . oooh . . . i never want one.

my experience with the laptop touch pads has clued me in that i may not be the best with a touch screen anything. which is sad and middle aged sounding for me. first it was my denial of the iPod, and where did that get me? it just got more complicated as time went on. now everything is touchy feelie and no one knows where the hell their themes are stored. i can't change the ringer on my phone and it only has two menus.

my three computers keep me more than entertained and full of information and things to do. i've recently watched someone try to use a laptop that has only been exposed to online through the phone . . . and then AFTER i got all the spyware removed from the laptop . . .

maybe that's why the new obsession with grammar (see how i circled around, there?): it is a dying art. it used to be a set of rules. i'm not much for rules, but i'll take art.
2013, cyd, new

"every one's a fucking napoleon"

good shining morning.

i've gotten a little sleep, a little nicotine and a little companionship from doc.

did you know that 2G of music is roughly 25 hours? yeah. i have 25 hours of music and i plan on adding to it today. one day i listen to it all from start to finish. and this is just my daily play list. and still i feel like i'm hearing the same songs over and over again. but i'm not.

we have a lazy day planned. trip to storage. some yard work. and dinner. which i am looking forward to already. lemon butter salmon. i almost had it for breakfast. but i controlled myself and had corn tortillas instead.

shutterfly is offering another free 100 prints. all i have to pay is postage. they always do this to me at the end of the month after i've spent all my money on bills. oh, wait. i have a $10 kel's mom sent me. maybe i can trade him cash for credit and get my pictures. then i'll have something to do all day. find 100 pictures i want printed. there are some sunsets i want for a cluster of photos in the hallway.

i have nothing interesting to say. i'm going to go harvest poetry.

have a great day. thank the vets.
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

okay, check this out, you know, if you want to

i cleaned my room! i was so proud that i took pictures of it and posted them on facebook. there was so much cat vomit from simon. that has stopped. of course, the closet in the spare room has some stuff in it now. but it isn't like we're using that room for anything but the cats. felix still has a place to lay in the closet and really, isn't that all that matters?

i found another tattoo i want. that's two. okay, i'll stop now. http://pinterest.com/pin/412360909601583665/ i don't want a heart, some other shape . . . maybe a crescent moon. but i want the same fill, i want it to be doc's thumb print (get it? under his thumb?). i don't know where i'll put it. maybe the back of one of my shoulders. i told him about it and he thought it was a really cool idea until i told him i wanted it to be his thumb print. now he's mulling it over. i told him it could be the anniversary gift that erased all past evil anniversary's.

i don't know who i'd get to do it. i guess make an appointment with Dirk Vermin. get on the waiting list. this is not the average tat. it is very small and very high detail and i don't know that i trust it to anyone besides him.

i found a web site today that has the same basic functions as photoshop for pedestrian image editing. i was so happy. i can just whip an image up there, do what i need to and save it. not worry about finding a bloody copy of photoshop to put on here. i have it on computer1. now i will be playing much more with my images.
2013, cyd, new

did any of ann coulter's mother's children survive?

god, that woman is a compete moron. she doesn't even make me angry anymore, i just feel sorry for her.

i'm assembling 100 pictures i want to print. doc gave me the postage for them. i'm going to print out some cam images for a collage. and the sunset pictures. and the updated cats roster.

i can't believe i cleaned my room. i've only been talking about it since Red moved in. simon and burned some incense and took a nap in there earlier.

a couple of things Red did/told me were really cool and helpful. 1) get a stair stepper; 2) instead of the small litter box in the mudroom, get a big , deep plastic bin and fill it 1/3 with scoopable cat litter. easy to scoop, the cats love it, they don't even use the one in my room anymore. only simon uses it. he prefers the smaller box. and it get's scooped every morning, so it never smells. both of them do, get scooped, that is, not smell.

i tried to burn a music CD today, forgetting i have no CDs. so i'll wait on that. i'll wait until i have more material. fill the thing up. i also have to teach myself how to edit the pieces, because some of them have introductions and such in them. and i don't want that on the CDs. i'm just going to burn some to give out. no artwork or anything, no selling them, that didn't work the first time. just something to give people when they hear me. i wish i'd had one at the slam earlier this month. i would have given it to the guy who asked to read me and in the second round, left his barstool and pulled up a chair in front of the stage so he could hear me.

do you have any idea how that made me feel? the pressure was on and i felt the thrill of it run through me and i put my all into that piece, battling the horrible mic all the way. i only got a 19.5 out of 30 for that . . . stupid mic and wrong piece. i'm ready for it this time, buddy. get a new mic, moss. i wonder if he could use either of the mics i have. i don't know how good they are, but he must go through mics with all the bands he has in there.
  • Current Music
    Def Leppard - Rock of Ages
2013, cyd, new

i missed Punk Rock Bowling, take me out and shoot me

i'm a horrible lesbian and a worse punk. *sigh*

i ordered 82 pictures. all i had to pay was postage. half what i thought i would have to pay, at that. 50 pictures of cats and sunsets and doc and the house. 32 old cam pics. actually the ones featured in "Can't Be Everything", you know, the video none of you have watched. heh.

i got a message through youtube today from someone saying "i'm impressed" and it turned out to be spam. i was so bummed. why do i need . . . whatever.

evie brought me a lizard today. this one was alive. missing half a back leg and all of its tail, but not recently. i picked it up and it bit me, they don't have teeth. but it clamped down and wouldn't let go. we tried to tempt him with a mealworm, but no go, he liked my finger. doc finally pried his jaws open. silly lizard. we put him in one of the lizard cubbies on the wall. and we left some meal worms out for the group.

evie wasn't mad at me at all for taking away her toy. it's like she brings me these things to save them. she's a weird cat. i used to have a siamese that would kill mama rabbits and bring me the babies to take care of. oh, the heartbreak. she was a weird cat, too.

oh, wow, is it that late? only two hours until i have to get doc up. an hour passed without me noticing. i've been watching him sleep. he laid the bike down today and hurt his thumb. he's sleeping with an ice pack on it. he IS going to work every day this week. ELEPHANTS! he can't go see the elephants unless he goes to work every day. why am i so excited about him going to cambodia? besides having the coolest souveneir collection.

i'm going to have to bite it and go see my shrink. i can't find doc an appointment anywhere, let alone look for my own. so i'll go see my old shrink. get the scripts from him and just let it go. i read an article today about ketamine being studied to treat untreatable depression (defined as having failed at 2 or more meds, i've failed at 8). i want in on this.

" . . . this talking is only bravado . . ."

if i could stop listening to music for a while i could make a new video. choices. i'm going to use a batch of recent photos. just for shits and giggles. i just don't know what piece i'm going to use. like i said, the stuff i just found is lost in my lj for now and not written down anywhere, i'm going to have to transcribe it if i don't find it. i have to listen and see what piece reflects me right now.

it's either that or take a bath. now i don't know what to do. if i take a bath, i will likely finish the book i'm reading. if i make a video, no one will watch it. either way, the pluses and minuses even out with both. if i make a video really quickly i can still take a bath. but if i make a video really quickly, i will likely fuck it up. right. video. bath in the morning. sorted.