May 26th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

birds and books and bullshit

i couldn't get BB to eat before she went to sleep for the night. she's snuggled up now in her nest with cat fur to keep warm, in a box on top of the tallest book shelf. i have egg chopped up, mealworm chopped up and kitten kibble softened, ready for dawn.

i know i'll hear it from animal activists, but i've decided to imprint her. i want to keep her, if i can. her chances in the wild aren't that good even if i don't imprint her. so i will be holding her for feedings and spending time with her outside in the sun.

i spent a couple of hours harvesting poetry from my lj today. i've got about 120 poems. 14 of which have seen the light of day outside the lj. a LOT more material than i i thought i had. and that only takes me back to 2010. i have to go back to 2002 to get everything.

i finished that Vonnegut book and now i'm reading Bukowski's "Ham on Rye". love it. i'm going to read it again when i'm done with it. i would highlight things, but i would end up highlighting the whole book. he was amazing. then i'm going to take his advice and just read whatever i can get my hands on, which is "The Sound and the Fury" and "the Taming of the Shrew" (i've already read that one, hell, i've acted that one). then, a special treat, Bukowski's "Hollywood" and Kathy Acker's "Blood and Guts in High School".

then, it's done with fucking around. we have bolt cutters and a new padlock, time to go to storage and see what is there. i'm only interested in my books. i have a bunch packed up in there, and i want them. many i have never read. well, not many. but enough to keep me entertained for a while.

in storage i have three Tom Robins books i have yet to read, and i hear there is another one to buy. i'll wait until i can get that used.

in one month i will have been in this house a year. it has gone really fast. and it has been a great year, all things summed up at this point. we survived everything and life keeps us interested.

like this bird thing. i'm not a real bird lover, i tend to think of them as cat toys/food. i've had birds in the past. a couple of cockatiels and a cockatoo. they were nice enough animals, but very high maintenance. this thing with BB is a challenge, can i really keep such a fragile life going? i'm going to try.

i should be asleep so i can get up at dawn and feed her when she wakes up. but i think i'll stay up tonight and see if i can't figure out what kind of bird she is. she is all beak, black skinned, yellow patchy down. the beak is long, dark brown and somewhat flat. i have a picture on twitter, but i'll post some here when i get better ones.

i've made arrangements for her future, if she has one. we'll get her a cage eventually. but while she's still small, she can stay in the nest in the box, then in the hamster cage for a bit when she's bigger, but too small to fly yet. by the time she is flying i will have gotten her a proper cage. this is if i can keep her alive, and my hopes are not high. perhaps because i couldn't get her to eat tonight, but she was stressed out and it was sleep time.

i think that's all i have to say. i'm trying to decide what to do next. coffee or cola, cigarette or pot, poetry or bird research, poetry or music? i swear, i'm fucking lost right now. i need to chill out and the bath didn't do it to me, i got to a really good part in the book and got my mind all stimulated. i'm trying to get through the day without medicating (aside from my mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics) or self medicating.

and it isn't going badly. i've also smoked fewer cigarettes. that just kind of happened because i got all lost in my lj archives. i'm just kind of anxious about BB and the responsibility. other than that, all is right in my world and water is flowing uphill.
2013, cyd, new

okay, i'm up, i'm up, where's the bird?!?

i'm sitting with BB in her nest, waiting for the sun to hit the yard so i can take her out and wake her up. frankly, i'm surprised she made it through the night. i'm feeling more optimistic, if i can get her to eat, i'll feel really good about things. i've got her menu coming up to room temperature before i heat it. it heats more evenly if you let food come to room temperature before preparing. though i've never served warm meal worm and egg and kibble sashimi before, i'm sure the same principals are true.

wasn't as squeamish about grabbing the little meal worms and slicing them up into small pieces (damn things don't chop) as i thought i would be. and i ground up the egg shell and mixed it with the egg pieces. she's all beak. is the link to the best picture i have of her so far.

doc is making me nuts. he keeps waking up with a start and yapping, "is the bird in the sun, did you feed her . . . where is the bird?", (punctuation really baffles me) and disturbing my music time. the sun is still too low in the sky to put her in it . . . there is nothing i can do about that. he needs a xanax. i wish he could find his bottle of it. he is really hurting.

oh, she's awake, time to go feed her!
2013, cyd, new

ahh, sunday

i don't like this life-without-Red situation. all of doc's attention is turned toward me. i can't get any fucking peace today. and today i need peace. my calm has been disrupted by the bird and i need to keep my head together and things.

yesterday was great because he was immersed in this season's NCS episodes and sleeping. i had peace. today he's all full of his regular self.

that's it. i'm done with him. headphones back on, volume set to 100%. i know he doesn't want a fight, he just can't help himself. he's a meddler. and i don't want to fight with him. so i will retreat into my music and write until it is time to try to feed BB again.

he asked if i was venting about him in here, i said yes, no point in lying. and he laughed. that's how i know he's actually in a good mood.

i'm grumpy and hungry and i don't want fish. i want something rich and warm and gooey. and savory. i could really go for some shepherd's pie right now. all i have in the house is tuna and crackers and some salmon fillets that are still thawing. i'll have the for dinner with a nice saffron rice.

he offered to go to the store for me . . . now i just have to isolate what i want him to get for me to cook. i could really go for a quiche . . . no, too expensive for end-of-the-month. this is when we hoard all our money for bills and rent and such. my pay for the month is tapped out from cat food and bird supplies. i have $10 hidden away for taco bell. but doc won't go to taco bell because their employees are always rude and stupid with him. it seems they only hire white teens. yeah, that is NOT who i want touching my food.

the bird has yet to make a sound. she's sleeping with indirect heat right now. we weren't keeping her warm enough. if she survives it will be a miracle.
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

i love Blue Max

my uber external hard drive. you can look it up in wookipedia. here's the link: then, if you like the older star wars movies, go to a used book store and get yourself the three han solo adventures by brian daley. mine has a blue light instead of a red photo receptor, and it's black, not blue, but it is amazing to me.

doc was right, it was me. i was being a twat. he was wide awake when i got up and disrupted my 2 hours quiet time when i wake up and it threw me off. then BB dying was just the icing on the bitchy cake. at one point while i was being angry and mean to him he looked at me and said, "you know, it's not your fault, what happened with the bird. you did all you could." i went in and cried and he went and got me a burger. when he came home, i apologized. wow. what a head trip i am. how the fuck does he live with me?

i just fucked around and re-watched the season ender of NCIS because i had forgotten it already. now i'm going to go do poetry to 2008. maybe further back if my eyes aren't crossing by then.
2013, cyd, new

okay i made it to 2009

there were only five poems in 2010 . . . and i found myself reading my journal entries. god how do you people read this stuff? i'm the most boring, sleep obsessed, self-absorbed person . . . i mean, i HAVE to read it. i'm just glad i don't remember living it. did he really disappear new year's eve 2009? what an ass. heh.

if i devote an hour to this every day this week, i can finish it and start coming up for titles to some 200+ poems. why don't i title them when i write them? i could punch myself in the head. and i've written about doc a lot. a lot more than i thought i did. i could actually do a chapbook just of his poems. scary. love poems, ick.

what the weeping christ is on the tv? pardon me while i change this . . .

ahh, NCIS marathon. yes, i'm an 80 year old woman. i tell myself that i just think ziva is hot.

i made doc a grocery list. he asked that i cook for myself more, and i'm finally ready to start doing it. i'm going to make a quiche. i haven't had my quiche in quite a long time. spinach and feta. i'm on a spinach kick right now. spinach and fish, don't know where this came from. and black bean enchildas. that will feed me, along with the salmon in the frreezer and the stuff in the pantry for a couple of weeks.

next month i'll make a cheddar broccoli quiche and splurge on the $12/lb extra sharp cheddar for it. i'm being lazy and having doc get me pie crust . . . there is no point in making it, when you can buy perfectly good pre-made stuff. that is only true for a few things. but pie crust is one of them.

i love tori amos because she wrote a song with her leather in it. i'm sad that winter is over, i've had to relegate my leather to the closet. one of these day's i'm going to get myself a mannequin and keep the leather on it. hee. i'm hopelessly in love with a 25 year old, $75 dollar leather jacket. yes. it's true. and to lose it earlier was hell. i'm glad the dickhead decided to give it back. i was devastated. what a year.

my Nerds are almost gone. *sigh* it's been a nice sugar binge, half a box of nerds and a couple ounces of milk chocolate. three bottles of cola later.

simon is himself again. which freaks me out, because maybe it was the dog that fucked him up emotionally and made him stop eating. because i want to get a dog. but i don't want simon stressed out. so i'm continuing him on soft food supplements for the foreseeable future so he gets used to it and when we get a dog, it will just be habit to get extra food and hopefully all will go well.

i don't know what makes me think i can manage this menagerie and raise a dog. but i'm willing to try.

the bird thing fucked me up. when i saw the thing fall from the tree, before i knew what it was, i said half-jokingly to myself, "oh, look god sent me another creature to die in my arms," then dismissed it until evie alerted me. nice. this is why i don't believe in god. i'd just be angrier. (look for that line again, i liked it so much, i tweeted it)

but i couldn't have let evie eat it, if that was her intent. i'm not THAT into the circle of life.

i think im going to go watch the muppet show for a while.

have a nice night, everyone.