May 22nd, 2013

2013, cyd, new

i just recharged my battery

and by that i mean that i sat in the sun for 30 minutes and meditated. i got over my morning panic attack without valium! it took four cigarettes, but i did it. and the sun, as always, felt so-o-o-o-o-o-o good.

that apartment we lived in just became my prison. i hid from the sun. but now, with the patio and the front yard, i just can't stay in. and when it gets too hot, i stay out, but come in and take cool showers. and i feel so much better for it. and i look good with a bit of color to my skin, especially with this blonde hair i'm carrying around now.

so now it's music, email, lj, twitter, make a video. tech fairy took away all my excuses. heh. i have all the hardware i need to make shit and store it and all that.

i've figured out something and it's made me zen with my afternoon naps. i'm just no fucking good from 3pm to 6pm. i'm useless. i can't move or think and i have no creativity or drive. so going to sleep is really the best thing. then i wake up ready for the evening. and the night. the blessed night where i get most of my work done. the busywork i get done during the day, but at night, after doc is gone off to work and Red is asleep, i really rock then.

fuck me, Red is leaving tomorrow. too soon.

"i pull everything inwards, but everything's loose . . ."

i keep putting off the poetry harvesting as if it's some sort of treat i don't want to waste and i want to save until i'm done with everything else. and i was so dreading it the first time i did it. i don't even mind having to redo it all.

i'm so excited about myself for the first time in so long. i don't bore myself anymore. this is a big deal.

the shrink search is going horribly. no one is taking new patients until august or not at all. two of the ones on the list only take geriatric patients. no wonder i'm with an out of network shrink. but i've got to get doc in to see one NOW. he need's anti-anxiety meds, bad. i've got a stash of them i give him, but i'm running out. i'm taking hydroxyzine for anxiety right now and Red just gave me her full script of it so i'm good for a while. but it's past time we get this all sorted and everybody on the right meds.

"we close our eyes and dream, and the world has turned around again . . ."

okay, two more songs after this while i read twitter, then it's time to go to work and create something. i found a shitload of cam archives last night and loaded them on the new hard drive, Blue Max (it's not blue, but i named it after a portable super computer in one of the Han Solo adventures by Brian Daley). i will have so much fun diving through them. i'm expecting massive inspiration from them.
2013, cyd, new

oh, i fortgot to say

little anecdote:

in my box of tech goodies was this amazing thing . . . it's just so . . . i can't . . . it's a nightlight that puts on a 3D LED light show on the wall. it's amazing, so soothing. i thought last night that simon might be scared of it, so i slept in the room with him where it was plugged in. simon loved it, he leaned against me, lay down and just stared at the lights, purring. i think i was even purring watching the soothing colors change.

then vader caught sight of it. and proceeded to bounce over simon and me and attack the lights on the wall. simon put up with this for a bit, watching the silly kitten beat up a wall. then simon, i guess, wanted to go to sleep. so he got up and walked casually over to vader and swatted him in the head. vader took the hint and left and simon came back and lay down with me and we both watched the lights until we fell asleep.

fucking great, thank you again, you.
2013, cyd, new

yeah, i'm taking ANOTHER break

i just found 15 mp3 files i didn't know i had written/recorded. i don't even know where any of them are written down, heh. i guess i should not be stoned when i update my website/check the bloody thing more often. jaysus, when was the last time i went to my own site and looked at things? i redid the front page a year or so ago. maybe 6n months, but i haven't gone and surfed around to see what all i've got up there.

so i'm diving around my "current" site file folder and come across this folder that has no meaning to me. "cs". i've just ignored it. so out of undying curiosity, i finally looked in it and saw all these titles. and since i can't read them, i have to listen to them to find out what is going on with them.

the whole thing is just so funny. the huge gaps in my memory and consciousness where i do stuff and then have no memory of it later. i blame that apartment. everything was pied in and boxed up and a fucking mess. i had things burned onto disks just sitting, put away.

now i'm being VERY careful labeling stuff and keeping it in one place. i have a corner set up in the living room with the computers on the desk (huge goddamned living room) and a drawer in the entertainment center. i'll be fixing my printer today and installing it in the living room corner. i have a table for it to sit on, and new ink cartridges. i just have to clean the printer head and everything should be kosher. i can't hook it up to the laptop, but i can take stuff off the laptop with Blue Max and take them to the printer computer.

happiness and joy.

oh, wow. David Bowie song i forgot about, lemme sit back and listen to this for a minute . . .

" . . . and the pills that i took made my fingers disappear . . ."

okay, this is getting silly. i'm sinking in the music when i should be sinking in my own voice. time to actually get to work and stop fucking about.

really, everyone have a great day. it's halfway through the week, we're almost there!
2013, cyd, new

and then all the drugs hit me at once

my headphones finally died. only the right works. i'm actually going to try to fix them. i've had them for 20 years, and i love them. i've tried others, and haven't found any i like. i hate those iPod earplugs things. i like my headphones, which fit over my ears and block out all the other noise. i think curtis paid only $40 for them when he got them so long ago before he gave the to me.

it took me a while to notice because i've been sitting with my back to the living room listening to music really loud, so i've kept the ear piece off my left ear. i put it on today and was all bummed. so i checked it out and i can easily take them apart and check the wires. i like to fix things. the cool thing about them is that since they fit over my ears, they still block the sound from outside them. so it's still an immersive (no, apparently it isn't a word, i don't care) experience, listening to music.

doc and Red went for their second plasma sucking session today. i can't do it because of my meds, but hearing them describe it, it isn't something i would want to do anyway. but it meant take out chicken for lunch. damn good. some chain i think. they used to have this great dipping sauce that they don't have anymore, but the chicken tenders are SO tender and juicy and not at all greasy for fried chicken.

then doc and i thought about going out for ice cream again. then decided not to, the richness of it did some messed up things to our bodies. we'll wait on that for a while.

something has changed with doc recently, or maybe it has changed with me. i take care of him more. he lets me. i like to wait on him and be his "runner". and it makes me feel good to nurture him. do little things like stuff him cigarettes for work each night so he has more time to sleep in, and making him a drink or getting him coffee. i wish i could cook for him on a regular basis. but we don't like each other's food. we have VERY different cooking tastes.

and it isn't out of "love for my husband" or any of that crap, the marriage is over. has been for years. i've just come to accept it and love him in what capacity he can let me. i do it because he does so much for me. anything that i need that can't be bought online, he is the one who gets it for me. food, toilet paper, tampons . . . and all without complaining. and he takes such good care of me. checks on me when i'm in the bath. comes running any time i yell "fuck" out of nowhere in frustration to see if he can help me. and all this stuff and infinitely more he has done for me for years and continues to do for me. he even did it during the years he couldn't stand me.

it's like maybe there is karma and it sent me these few wonderful men in my life to make up for all the dipshits i dealt with growing up. not bad for a toothless, middle-aged dyke. heh. (big smile on my face as i type that, everything is temporary, even my sexuality)

oh! here now, the left ear piece is working now! okay. i didn't even move the wire or anything, it just snapped back on. cool. because i'm not giving them up until they are dead.

i took a vacuum, canned air, computer solution (smells like rubbing alcohol to me, but whatever) and swabs to the printer. got it all cleaned up. now i just have to plug it in and get the ink out and clean the printing head. if i need new ink for it that will have to wait. i'm mainly concerned with the scanning feature. i found some collages i made i want to scan. i've thought about revisiting my deviantart site again and updating it. and i have 22 years of pictures with santa i want to scan and use for a video.

i know i'm writing a lot today, but i'm up. and i have custody of the computer because everyone is laying down. and twitter is boring. not all the time, just today. even social websites have their off days.

oh, damn, i'm missing Rachel Maddow. got to go!