May 20th, 2013

2013, cyd, new

oh, this silly entry needs a title, doesn't it? there you go.

i got a solid five hours sleep. not bad for staying up 24. i anticipate a nap in my future.

i picked out the pictures for the next video, not sleeping this time. but i haven't picked a piece for them yet. i was too into the music and my own head and not having a headache that i just looked at pictures all night of myself. not as entertaining as it sounds. i lie. i love myself. i was noticing that i'm aging pretty well. the only thing i'm unhappy with is my mouth. ever since i lost those four teeth, my facial default setting is a frown. i hate that. i used to walk around with a smirk on my face. doc says it's because i'm unhappy with the shape of my mouth without the front teeth. true.

but other than that . . . some parenthesis around my mouth, to be expected with as much as i laugh. no crow's feet, no other wrinkles. i've been very very lucky. i don't look as young as Red. but i wear my age well, i think.

i'll miss my muffin-top if it ever leaves again. i'm kind of getting attached to my pot belly. i fit into my waist size 32" pants again. i'm pretty fucking ecstatic about that. it gives me a bunch of clothes to wear that don't have holes in them. i lean on my knees when i sit, i just can't sit back. so the knees wear out in my pants and they tear. all my camo pants are fucked. actually, thinking about it, all my olive pants are fucked. oh bother. good thing i look okay in jeans. more importantly, i'm comfortable in jeans.

i don't use tumblr, and i don't use yahoo. so how does this merger news affect me? it doesn't and the news people won't shut the hell up about it. i don't care. i made the mistake of trying to log into yahoo to check on the status of my freecycle subscription and it took me 45 minutes to get in and situated because they've changed things and become something more. everyone wants to be a facebook. goddamn, give it up. people are going to get tired of it and move on to the next phase of communication and you're going to be stuck with this merger and that platform and jesus i'm glad i got out of the web business.

i mean, i'll put my sites on my resume, no problem. but i'll never work in it again. i have no desire to catch up with the last 10 years of coding and scripting that would put me back in the game.

i don't think i'll ever work in porn again, but i won't say never. it depends. my body is past the time i'll be in front of the camera. but that doesn't put me out of the business entirely. and there's too much money to be made to shut that avenue off. but again, with respect to websites, i will never design another porn site. i'm over it.

oh, wow, Don't Stop Believing just came on my playlist. i can't believe i put this on here. heh. listening to this is like listening to a DJ that's been on acid for a very long time and is lost in their own head. i like it that way. Danzig followed by Doris Day. it makes me happy.
2013, cyd, new

one of those poemy thingies

there's so much i want to ask you
why did you reach out to me?
what are you hoping to grab a hold of?
i have nothing for you but regrets,
i can't even conjure up forgiveness yet
there's just too much we haven't said.
and it's been so long and there's
been so much pain and loss and rage
we were never friends . . . were we?
maybe that one day at disneyland
when you got me drunk when i got home
vodka martinis in a can, i remember
and maybe if we'd talked that night
we could have held on to some kind of love
i've tried, or thought about trying
and i just can't anymore, there is no point
will we be at odds until the end?
leaving me with these countless questions?
that's what i'm afraid of, mom.
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2013, cyd, new

"do you like boys or girls? it's confusing these days"

wow, Ray Manzareck died. my teen years are dying off. so sad. i'm listening to the Doors for the first time in years in memoriam. i imagine a lot of people are tonight.

on to happier things

i got a big box of techie joy today from my Tech Fairy. he never asks for anything in return, just sends me stuff he's got around that i need or want. i'm a very lucky person to have someone like him in my life. plus he reads me. i have to love that.

i love all of you that read me.

so i've been playing with my new toys. including a fucking huge external hard drive. the thing itself is small, but the capacity is ginormous. once doc fixes my mouse pad, i can copy all the flotsam over to it. yay!!

speaking of the mouse pad, i reinstalled the codecs and set that all up, now i just need doc to show me how to turn the service on. i know roughly how to do it but i can't find the button i need, so instead of frustrating myself, i'll just wait for doc to get up.

tonight i copied the contents of Red's phone to my laptop so i can transfer it all to a flash drive (which i got plenty of today). her phone is full. she was having trouble taking pictures at the slam because it was so full.

she's leaving thursday or friday now. instead of the weekend. i'm so bummed. it's been so fun having a friend and waking back up to myself. and she's a really nice girl. where am i going to find another friend like her? let alone a room mate.

i'm getting doc up in 15 minutes. he got a lot of sleep today, so he's getting up early, so he tells me. we'll see. so i'm making coffee for him.

and me, let's be honest here. yesterday and this morning i didn't think i was going to be able to drink coffee anymore because i kept throwing up when i drank it. even when i ate. so i didn't drink any for a while and sipped on cola for a couple of days to settle my stomach. tonight, about an hour ago i decided to try a cup and i feel great.

i've been saying that a lot lately, i fell great. it's so different. maybe i just needed someone to stimulate my brain. Red is good at that. we have very different views on some things, so she makes me think.

it was dusty today. not too bad, but in the back yard, which is mostly dirt, it got really dusty. and my nose is not happy. but my head isn't stuffed, so i don't mind blowing my nose every ten minutes.

i'm content to just sniff, but doc will hear it and tell me to blow my nose. actually he'll yell it from his bedroom. and i don't want to wake him up prematurely.

oh yeah, the house is filling up with the smell of coffee. yummy. my cup of reheated is almost gone. and we have a fresh jug of milk to open for it. oh happiness and bliss.

i'm doing okay without the weed. had a terrible headache yesterday (i know, for my birthday, right?). but today has been fine. and i didn't sleep through the day. i took one three hour nap and that was it. so that gave me 8 hours sleep in 48. not bad.

okay, time to wake the beast. the coffee just finished brewing, perfect timing. and the song is over. cool.

have a great night.