December 26th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

xmas and meds

xmas was peaceful. no fighting, no raised voices, no family. just me and doc. he wouldn't open his xmas gift, which hurt my feelings, but i got over it. we didn't eat anything special, no chinese food. he didn't feel like going out and i didn't feel like making him go out. it was cold yesterday.

i keep waking up and saying weird things. luckily, only simon hears them. he just looks at me strange. kind of like, "does this mean i have to get up now?" it never does, and he goes back to sleep until he hears me smoking a cigarette, then comes and plays "cabinets" with me while i smoke. he's been jumping up on the couch and crawling over to doc, like he's sneaking over, and laying down next to him. this makes doc incredibly happy. he never thought that simon would like him. i told him to give it time and lots of bribes. he did what i said and sai sai is his new best friend.

today i'm going to try to stay awake through my valium. i'm tired of sleeping it off and waking up nervous. i know the point is to knock me out for most of the day so i can't hurt myself or others but i don't want to sleep all day. i like my four hours sleep at night. and my nap during the day. what i don't like are drug induced naps at all hours of the day and night. may as well put me on haldol again. want me to be a zombie, at least i was awake for that. i wasn't by any means aware, but i was conscious.
2013, cyd, new

and not a brain cell among me

i got fucked up today. a valium, 1/4 bottle of champagne, 4 shots of vodka and 2 xanax. oh yeah, plus all the resin i could smoke. i don't know what my deal was. i even left a drunken message on doc's voicemail telling him to bring home more vodka. three people listened to it and none of them could figure out what i was saying. i threw up one shot of vodka. i was drinking oj with it. so it made a mess on the floor. you should have seen me drunkenly trying to mop the floor.

i think i'm over it now. i got drunk. i threw up. i sobered up. as i sobered up, i was pissed, just wanting to get more fucked up. doc was having none of it. he brought me home cola.

shortly after he went to sleep on the couch, i went to bed and slept for three hours. to be honest, i could go back to bed, but i've got a cola poured and i'm burning a candle for chloe and henry and it just isn't practical to go back to bed. i may take a hot bath, though. that would be nice. some soothing lavender bath foam and steaming hot water. i think i'll go do that.