December 20th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

doc is going to strangle me

last night i fell asleep while he was up and he set my alarm, put it too far from my head, and went to bed. i woke up ten minutes after he should have been in the shower, with no clue he was home. i was sitting, smoking a cigarette, when he came out and started yelling. then he went to work. after a little more yelling. i felt so-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o bad.

then, this morning, the cigarette roller just fell apart in my hand. so i had to call and leave him a message. which i'm not supposed to do with bad news, but he didn't have any smokes to take to work, and if he needs to go get a new one, he should know to do it on the way home.

he's going to throttle me. this is a bad bad day. and it's only thursday. i'll get used to his schedule if i have to stay up for 24 hours to do it.

oh, i got my lj backed up. i can only read one entry at a time, so i'm looking for another way to back it up. but i found a poem about doc. an angry-ish one. i didn't think i wrote about him but i keep finding poems about him scattered around.

i took a xanax on top of my valium to calm down. he'll be home in 45 mintes. i want to calm down. i don't want to react when he yells at me. i just want to be zen. i'm really sorry, both were accidents and i don't know how to make it up to him. i did the dishes. precious little. i'll vacuum.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

i'm not strangled

doc didn't yell at all. all he said was, "Really?"

so i got all upset about that about nothing. i'm so glad he didn't yell. he bought a new cigarette stuffer on the way home, too.

from now on the alarm clock will be left on my pillow. and when it goes off, i will get up, whether he's up or not. i can live with that. again, no yelling, just a rational solution.

so relieved. i hate being yelled at. no one likes it, but it makes me curl into a ball and hide. or fight back, and i hate doing that because i'm mean. meaner than arguments call for. my mom taught me how to cut to the bone with words, and i'm really good at it. too good. that's why i had to take a xanax with my valium, to keep calm. so i didn't fight back if he came home mad.

we got steaks from doc's parent's for xmas. and i mentioned on twitter that i got a box of truffles for xmas. we sent doc's parents a box of fresh fruit for xmas. last year we got them a ham and it got there late and was bad. very embarrassing. though beyond our control.

doc brought me home a bacon western burger today. i ate it gladly, pink slime and all. i shared it with felix, who loves bacon cheese burgers. he loves bean burritos, too. he wasn't fed much cat food when he was growing up in that awful house. he had to get together with the dog and get people food. so he likes just about everything.
2013, cyd, new

i can't win

i woke doc up twice within a half an hour. i thought he was bathing, he was sleeping. with his door shut, i have no idea what the fuck is going on. one of the cats peed on his bed, so he keeps his door shut now. but i don't know if he's in the shower, or bed or what. ack.

i try not to make him mad at me. i just don't know what is happening with him most of the time. last time i heard, he was getting up and getting a shower. again i say ack.