December 11th, 2012

2013, cyd, new


i have an appointment with my shrink in a few hours. i have to talk to him about:
the rocking
the shaking
the sleeping or not
the group home
the rages

okay, that about covers it. i sense a medication change coming up. and maybe it's time.

last night i found out that the old poetry readings i used to go to, in a place that no longer exists, have started back up again. apparently now the place is open again. the place where i started here. and it brought up a lot of feelings.

firstly was unbridled excitement. the idea of being up on the stage there again just . . . i can't even describe it. i know the crowd will have changed, and the poets will have changed. but just to have it again, even for a moment. the attention of the room.

then i ran my tongue along where my four teeth are missing up front and realized i couldn't go back there. i couldn't go anywhere and get up on a stage and open my mouth for everyone to see. i have a dental appliance, but it never fit right and i really cannot talk with it in. not even doc can understand me when i have it in, so that is not an option.

and i have to deal with my shrink today, i'm already a mess over that. i can't think about this now.
2013, cyd, new

wiped and i'm wired

so i saw the shrink. he's stopping my pristiq because i'm not metabolizing it and it's expensive. he's also switched me from xanax to valium, at double the dose. that should stop my rocking. hell, should stop everything. that's a lot of valium. i don't have to take the full doses, though, if it's making me too walking dead. he wanted to put me back on seroquel. we go through this every time. i'm on a working anti-psychotic, but it's an old school one and apparently can damage my liver. more than seroquel. but seroquel doesn't work as well and it makes me fat and i'm not taking it.

he told me that the valium and ambien combined should knock me out. please let it. i guess doc will pick up the prescription for it this weekend.

we didn't go get a tree like he promised. i guess he wasn't feeling good, but he didn't even say anything about it. like, "we're not going to get the tree, i don't feel well," so i had no idea what was going on until we got home. or close to home, i'm getting to know the landscape better near hear, though still no good with direction.

so, xmas tree hopes dashed a second time. *sigh* i feel like he's playing with me, but he's not like that.

i wasn't happy after my appointment. i never am. i have to leave the house, go in and talk to a stranger i pay to medicate me, deal with another stranger to pay my copay and make my next appointment. then there was sitting in the parking lot at the store, while he ran in and got coffee and sugar. i didn't want to go in, but sitting there alone was awful. i felt a little better when i got home but my mood was foul. so i went to bed.

then i got up and watched the muppet xmas carol. and felt much better. then i took an hour nap with felix. and i missed NCIS, duh. oh, and i stuffed a bunch of cigarettes. that, to me is a busy day.