i feel like i've been running around since i got up at 3:30. oh, wait, i have. fed the cat. mixed her daily food/meds, fed her again, mopped the kitchen floor, made coffee, had a cigarette . . . and did little, quiet things around the house.
i watched the muppet movie last night. there was so much stuff i forgot about. like the cameos. richard pryor and orson welles in the same movie. only the muppets could do that. today is reserved for the complete set of muppet show episodes. with many repeats of the Blondie episode. i think debbie harry was the first woman i fell in love with. and i fell in love with "punk" in that episode. at least the way she presented it.
also, with a matinee of Bugsy Malone. ahh, Jodi Foster. the second woman i fell in love with. i'll tolerate scott baio for a couple hours of Jodi in a slip. oh yes i will.
last night was pretty uneventful. i haven't watched the news for a day. i'm resisting the urge to put it on now. i'm sitting in the silence of the space heater trying to relax. i keep having those Romneyville Horror dreams. jesus, if he had won, i think i would have imploded from the stress. it has always been the dream of the mormon church to run the country. they want it all. all the money, all the power. holiness is just a word that gets them there tax free.
all right then. half an hour of news, the rest of morning joe, then the tv goes back off. it's music and movies for me today. it keeps me busy.
i poked at a christian today who insisted atheists not celebrate xmas. i don't even remember what i said, oh, yes i do. it wasn't very nice, but it was funny. something about xmas shopping early so i had plenty of time to hang christians with garland. i was told to stay off THEIR public roads. i don't get it. i don't think i'll be poking at any more christians, no matter what they say. not if their responses to me are going to make no damn sense.
i watched the Debbie Harry Muppet Show episode three times. then listened to my favorite xmas compilation. then doc got up and i went to sleep for an hour. i should have gotten up and gone to bed, but i got up and had a cigarette instead and now i can't sleep. i guess i could take an ambien. get four hours or so.
lelu is sitting looking out the window. we just went out for a while and she was not ready to come back in. i should take her back out. she's so obedient when we're outside, you'd never know she was a cat. she comes when called and goes inside without any problem. freddie, you have to pick up and take inside. that cat would stay outside half the day if i let her. but she's too small for the neighborhood cats, and too mean. she'd get into a fight and most likely lose. i can't chance that.
oh, fuck it. i'm going to bed.
frustration beyond all frustration. i called someone out for equating mental illness and accompanying meds with theism. they totally didn't get it. i feel less than human tonight.
the worst question you can ask me, if you want to hurt me (secret time), ask me if i've had my meds today. it makes me feel i'm not worth talking to without the chemicals. like i'm less than something if the meds aren't in me. any time someone can't handle what i'm saying, they ask if i've had my meds out. like a dismissal to come back once i'm medicated.
and i feel bad enough about my meds. i hate being reliant on them. i hate myself that i can't deal without them. but i'm not less of a caring person without them. the only person i hurt without them is myself. so i take them. and STILL, whenever i am hard to deal with, that is the first fucking question. it hurts.
it also hurts that i found a group i thought i fit in with and i'm still an outsider because they list the biggest fault along side mental illness. and it pisses me off. it's the only thing i am constantly sensitive about.
being psychotic and simply deluded are two entirely different things. people in general fail to see this. sick is sick. and all the sick must be the same. why do crazy people think they're jesus? because he has the most power over the most people. it has nothing to do with religion or belief. it is a sickness that makes you crave power and attention. you feel invisible.
i've never thought i was jesus. but i did think i was god's gift to the world for a while. but after a while of dealing with this kind of bullshit i just feel . . . subhuman.
who would want to make another person feel that way? someone who willfully does not understand mental illness.
there is no such thing as an enlightened person. it's a fallacious as god to me. one course of intelligent thought is always roadblocked by some prejudice or stupidity.
atheists are no different than anyone else.
i think it's best if i start looking for a group home. i can change my guardianship to the state instead of doc. i think it's time i lived with my own kind. getting yelled at first thing when he comes home is getting tired. i can't take it anymore. i either wish him dead or out of my life.
i know there's a place in AZ that i might be able to afford on my check. when i see the shrink next week, i'll talk to him about it. he'll either know or be able to find out. google isn't helping me.
today has taught me that i am not fit for the public. if my meds worked, maybe. but they aren't. and when he yells at me and then screams at me to fuck off while he's on the phone with his buddy, he can just fuck himself. i can't take it anymore. pretending to be normal. hearing about how i'm not all the fucking time.
obviously it's time for me to do something for me. i can live in a group home until i'm old enough to qualify for a senior home, should only be 6 years. i think the senior group homes take you at 50.
i'm glad i didn't move in with kelli in july. then it would be too late to figure this all out and do something about it. i would be trapped in a normal life, pretending. badly.