December 5th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

day one without cannabis

today is the first day. yesterday it turned out i had enough to get me through the day. today i am out out out. no resin to scrape, no leaves to burn, nothing. and i'm hurting. i i took my meds the moment i got up. even before i went to the bathroom, which probably wasn't the best idea, but hey.

cannabis slows me down. stops my head spinning. i'll take extra xanax today to try to make up for the loss. it's easier in rehab where they fill your every hour and don't let you think about it. but they wouldn't take me seriously with my pot addiction. i was in with teenaged heroin addicts. my problems seemed nil.

i didn't mean to sleep on the couch last night. i fell asleep right as doc got home. i was awake long enough for him to bug me about eating an apple. i don't like apples. he doesn't care what i like. i will eat. bah. i will eat when i'm not fat anymore. or when my tastebuds return to normal. everything tastes like metal with the meds. i feel like my mouth i lined with foil.

i'm smoking too much. i tend to do that without pot. i have to watch that today, we're running out of tobacco. i don't want to use it all on doc and have nothing left for him.

i've been up for two hours and i have no desire to go back to sleep. i slept on the couch last night, though i didn't mean to. i just kind of passed out. i woke up with felix on my chest, reluctant to get down. he's like that in the morning, he wants to cuddle when i wake up so he won't leave me alone. now he's finally settled on top of the couch, sleeping on my shirt.

the other cats are behaving this morning. jack is in his chair, simon is on the couch and lelu is under the sideboard snuggled against the pillow i put down there. no cabinet slamming or meowing or getting into lelu's food. she ate like a pig this morning. i fed her countless times yesterday and she actually finished a can of food in one day. usually it takes her three days to finish one. but since we haven't had soft food for the other cats, she's been hungrier.

i'm not decorating for xmas at all. if i can't have a tree, i just don't want to decorate the house. today i will pack up the xmas lights and the couple of small xmas things i have around the house and put them away. they just depress me. we don't celebrate xmas really, doc works. but i like to decorate. but without a tree, there is just no point. and i'm really depressed over this. doc seems happy about it. he never wanted a tree. he doesn't want any reminders of xmas around because they remind him of his family and it just depresses him. he needs to be medicated.

then our anniversary comes up, which he doesn't want to be reminded of, so i celebrate that alone. this year i will celebrate with rolling rock and get drunk and throw up. that will be my celebration. puking all over our "marriage".
2013, cyd, new

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