December 4th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

mostly about the cats

simon just chased lelu, and i can't even scold him for it because she was willfully laying on his catnip huffing spot. she's over here now, curled up with me in front of the space heater. simon is nipped out in his spot. everything worked out. lelu is even purring.

earlier, when i was in the bathroom, sai sai came in, as he does, and got into the bathtub. at first he played around, attacking the curves in the bottom of the tub and rubbing against the faucet, but as i washed my hands and dried them, he sat down in the tub. and then stubbornly refused to get out of the tub. doc was asleep, so i didn't want to turn the water on, besides, i try to avoid anything that will make simon more neurotic. finally i went over and picked him up, which he hates, and put him outside the bathroom and shut the door.

i put him down and he hissed at me, twice. and i said in a whisper, "now you stop that attitude," and he turned around and came back to me and cuddled my legs. he is so fucking cute! and smart! he and felix definitely have a jealousy thing going on. twice now, felix has tried to get up with me to sleep only to find simon under the covers. and the bathroom is simon's room to be with me. he attacks anyone he catches going in there and chases any cats out that wander in there. and poor hapless felix tried to harmlessly come into the bathroom with me today. sai sai pounced him and chased him into the mud room.

somehow i will get them to understand they can share me. there's more than enough room on the bed or the couch for both of them, there is no need to fight. felix likes to be my teddy bear, simon likes to sleep on my legs. there should be no problem. maybe i'll have felix only nights, where i shut the door and let simon sleep on the couch and keep felix in with me. and hope he doesn't pee on me in protest.

half an hour til dawn. it hasn't started to get light yet. it is getting colder, though. i don't like that. maybe doc is right, maybe i will go back to bed. he got into a shouting match with himself (because i wouldn't answer back, i just watched him) over my sleeping and waking habits. i'm getting tired of him harping on them. when his schedule changes, he'll shut up about it for a while, though. i'm finally getting enough sleep, so what if it's broken up? not as ideal as a long night's sleep like he gets, but better than nothing.

i have to go check out a burning smell now.
2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

you don't want to read this

i didn't take my meds this morning. i didn't want to take them. i'm sick of "depending" on them. i didn't tell doc. because he would freak out. but i didn't take them, and i had no intention of doing so.

but i can't feel this way one minute longer. i may have slit my wrists by the time they take affect. i got into a fight with doc this morning and he avoided me the rest of the time he was home. and now i'm alone. usually, this is no problem. today it is killing me. i'm sitting here (waiting for the meds to kick in), praying he runs out of gas closer to here than a gas station so he has to come back and be late going in to work so he can be with me even though we can't stand each other right now.

what do i tell my shrink? i guess nothing. i don't take my meds, things get bad. i think we all know that. i don't know what made me forget it today.

he made me feel like shit about myself. and i was looking for a little praise. he has that way about him. he doesn't mean to do it, but it happens and i react to it. i told him to piss himself. that's how mad i got at him, i didn't even get my insults straight.

here's my other dilemma. another one i did to myself and now i don't know what to do. i put my hair back in a pony tail. weeks ago. i want to take it out now, and wash my hair, but it's all tangled up and combing it out will make me cry (i'm tender headed) a LOT. so do i just shave it off? i know, wait until i calm down.

and i've run out of pot and i think i'm going to quit. 2 problems with rehab. the twelve steps. which i think are bullshit. and when i came home, mike planted his fat ass next to me and smoked his bong day after day. i think those two things, more than anything led me to a relapse. no support system at all. now i have one less of those problems. mike is gone. never to be forgotten (too traumatizing). and i think now i can quit. plus i want to quit now. i wanted to then. like now. i want to be sober for a while.

but all this puts me in a bad mood. and i don't even want to lay down to feel better. curling up won't make this better, that's how i know it's bad.

why did i do this to myself? get up. take the meds. easy. no, i have to go and buck the system and fuck things all up. my day is fucked now. and it's going to be so long. i have stuff to do i don't feel like doing. i don't even want to pet a cat.

i smoked a cigarette and i'm starting to feel better. as long as i keep this window open i feel connected to someone.

i told doc i want a dog. he had arguments against it, but nothing really convincing. did i know the responsibility i'd have to take on? and questioning like that. mention of the dog deposit to the rental company and the cost of the dog itself. which we will get from a shelter. i told him i was in no hurry, i just thought we needed a dog to complete the family. he questioned if the cats would adapt, i told him we could find a dog that's good with cats. and there will be a hissy period of transition, but nothing the cats won't live through.

i didn't go into the part where i thought he needed a dog. i didn't want to depress him. this was before the fight. i bet he won't let me name it Dog. oh wait, it will be mature, it will have a name. cool.

i think i can go lay down now. i'm starting to feel better. at least the xanax is working already. and i was ready to take a hundred of those suckers and just go to sleep. but i can't do that to doc. that would be a horrible thing to come home and find. and i can't put him through that. i've already put him through enough already.
2013, cyd, new

less whining

wow, i feel so much better. i was able to get to sleep. and i woke up feeling my usual self. i don't know how good that is, but i don't feel like downing a bottle of xanax anymore. never forget meds again. never refuse to take meds again. i thought i would be spending tonight and the next three days in the psych hospital. and i feel so much better, i don't understand how i could get so low so quick.

the cats are all begging for wet food, which i am out of. they are not happy kitties. lots of treats and catnip for them tonight. see if i can't get them into better moods.

jack suddenly discovered today that his comfy chair is here. i don't know what he was thinking, he's been clawing at it since we got here. but it wasn't until today that he got up and curled up in it and went to sleep. he's there now. it's his favorite place. at least it was at the apartment. it looks like it will be here, too.

i have to call doc at 8 and remind him to pay rent. our real estate company has a 24 hour place that he can pay rent after work at. it is much easier for him than having to get up early and go to the real estate office, which is not close.

i had enough money this month not only to get the lighter doc wanted for xmas, but to pay my full half of the rent (for the first time since we moved in here) and the electric bill. and i still have enough money left over for my co-pay at the shrink's. the difference was, doc didn't really buy food with my money this month. he got me some stuff, but didn't get his own food with my money. it's really his money. the govt pays him to take care of me, the check is to do that. it comes to him, in his name. i only have access to it through an ATM card. and since i do not get out, and i don't really shop online, i don't really spend any of my own money unless there is something special and doc says it's okay.

oh yeah, plus i paid my web server. i'll have to borrow from him to pay next month, but that's very little money and i'm not worried about it.

i had a bite on my leg and i thought it was an ingrown hair so i picked at it and now it itches like mad. i'm going to go scratch now.