November 12th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

My tweets

2013, cyd, new

stupid PMS

now that my hormones have mellowed out a little, i am no longer a raging cunt. doc isn't bothering me today at all. in fact, i'm being nurturing and loving to him. ack, how does he live with this? i couldn't. no wonder we broke up. i wouldn't want to be in love with me, either. it's all so clear. and it isn't his fault at all, it's all mine.

i've given up on finding love again in my life. i can't ask anyone to put up with what doc does. and why he does is beyond me. and i almost walked away from that this summer. where was i? what is my fucking problem?

i'd like to become better so he can have a girlfriend. he deserves to fall in love. it will kill me when he does, but i've taken enough from him, i want to leave something left for the next girl.

i know i drain him.

i think i'm adapting to my meds again. i'm getting too psychotic at times. and i'm taking my meds regularly. my sleep schedule, while erratic, allows me 8 hours a day now, i should be stabilizing but i'm getting worse. i see the doctor december 11 and i might call and make it earlier. but i'm afraid of changing my meds again. unless something new has come out since. i should check the price on invega and see if that is an option for me yet or not. the last time i checked, it was $300 a month, and i can't afford that. not even close. i can't afford the meds i'm on. i paid for them out of my check this month, but doc had to cover part of my rent.

and i need to balance out some. i need to get to the point where i can leave the house again. i'm having problems getting the mail lately. the idea of walking somewhere is terrifying. the prospect of having a job makes me want to weep. but i need to get a job. again, that raises its ugly head. if i cen just get my meds straight again. then things will be easier and maybe i'll stop crying out of nowhere for no reason.