November 8th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

"SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THIS"

oops. capslock. i don't feel like going back and changing it. i'm just too punk rock to care.

that's a funny image. in actuality i am cowering on the couch trying to unsee things. sleep has brought me a funny curse - night mares. and not the cool zombie and running through the dark woods and gore and monsters kind. they are totally realistic (mix Mitt Romney, free as a religious man in the presidency, with 1984) and scary as hell. this morning's was every humiliation from college with special effects and costume changes. i wake up so stressed from these.

yesterday, the first words i spoke after waking up was, "my head is proper fucked up". i'm not searching for drano for the brain, maybe getting drunk will help. no. that will just make it worse, as it will make me sleep again.

the only thig i can do is drug myself into submission before i go to bed and it's not always practical. like when i fell asleep on the couch last night and woke up at 4. my problem was going back to bed at 6 for a couple of hours. ack my dreams are haunted with rich people who despise me. it's all so familiar.

i know other people's dreams are boring, no one feels this way more than me, so feel free to skip over this next part. Romney had been elected as president and relatively quickly started turning the US mormon. one of the things he did was take bipolar and schizophrenics like me off SSI and away from our guardians and into mormon host homes, who did it for charity. WITH NO MEDS. Romney had decided that was too much expense when a wholesome family and the laying on of hands could cure all ills. this is where i was forced to live. and i was sent to a small mormon college, where i was dropped off with no clue what to do or where to go.

the whole thing was just a night mare. i the first guy i met to get him to follow me around and try to help me.

it took kelli an hour to talk me down. and two xanax. after this morning's night mare, which i remember none of, blissfully, took two xanax and four cigarettes to chill me out. basically smoke until the xanax takes effect.

my sister messaged me yesterday. she has gone against my parent's prophecy for her future and gotten her Associate Degree and is well on her way to her Bachelors. AND she graduated with honors. take that mom and dad. your little girl grew up no matter what you tried to do to her and she's not damaged like me. she's strong and resilient and determined. i love my sister.

i love my cousin, too. i can't wait for the two of them to meet on facebook. an i have reasons to go to the bay area, to visit my ana, and i could visit my cousin, too. and she's close enough that she and her partner could come out here and visit. then we could all take a road trip to wherever karlee is and check her out for the first time in years. she doesn't even send me pictures anymore.

it's time for a cigarette. i'd love to continue this, but i've run out of words that aren't "want smoke".