October 5th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

allow me to introduce myself

my name is cydniey buffers. i was born in 1969. in 1974 my mother converted to the mormon church and my dad became re-active. i was raised in the church and left it when i was 23 when i finally moved out of my parent's house.

early on, my parents decided to adopt instead of breed. i was a surprise. when i turned 9 they started adopting kids. i was immediately thrust into the role of nanny. this may explain why i cannot stand children. they scare me. i don't know how to deal with them. never have.

my father molested me from an early age and later moved on to my younger sister. i can almost forgive what he did to me, almost. but for what he did to my sister with cerebral palsy i could kill him for. there was nothing i could do to stop it. in fact, i didn't even know it was going on.

my time in the LDS church was composed of years of two faced women, forced conformity, early morning seminary classes and lying and cheating men puffed up on fake authority sent down by a god who seemed unaware of their sins, who preyed on little girls and not so little girls, using their authority.

once a bishop asked me to give him the details of my sexual life, including whether i enjoyed this or that and that was when i decided i'd had enough of the church.

we moved around a lot. i think by the time i was 18, we had moved 18 times. i went to many different schools and many different mormon churches. i had the advantage of seeing how the eastern church plays things differently than the western church and it all disgusted me.

we had a lot of pets over the years. we rented our homes, so we never kept a pet for long, but i developed a love for cats. we had a cat for five years named Smokey and he was my best friend. that trend continues today, my cats are my best friends. the ones i can count on.

13 years ago i got the bright idea of becoming a non-pornographic cam girl. i broadcast my life 24-7 for a couple of years. until i had a complete mental and physical breakdown.

i've been in and out of mental hospitals all my life, starting when i was 13. i'm bi-polar and schizophrenic. i take medication to manage it, but as you've seen, they don't always work. it's kind of a hit or miss thing and sometimes the chemicals in my brain just overpower the chemicals i take to tame it.

i've journaled all my life, in the church they teach you that it's very important to journal. the one thing i agreed with. but i didn't start writing poetry until i was in high school and my boyfriend at the time suggested it and taught me how. at first it rhymed, i've moved beyond that. the rhyming limited me too much and sounded cheesy.

i don't talk to my parents, though i have friended them on facebook. my youngest sister is dead of an overdose, my other sister is living in hiding from my parents and one of my brothers just kind of disappeared to get away from the family. my last brother is in his 30's and still lives at home and proudly tells everyone he can that he will live there forever. why pay rent when you can intimidate your parents into supporting you all your life. he always had that advantage. he scares my parents. i love that.

my family now consists of my husband, his parents, my best friend, and her family. oh, and my cats.

and that is a brief introduction to me. maybe it will help some understand why i am so passionate about some of the things that i am. like mitt romney. and women's rights. there's no such thing as women's rights in the LDS church. except the right to do as you're told without question by any man of the church. even if he is younger than you, because all boys are ordained at an early age.

i was baptized when i was 8. that is the age of accountability in the church. at 8 you are supposed to have a firm grasp on sinning and how not to and you become responsible to god. my parents had to bribe me to get baptised. i did not want to do it. later, they bribed me to do baptisms for the dead, which i only did once because i thought the whole practice was sick and creepy.

being a punk from a young age, i was not welcome in the church. because of the way i looked, i must be a sinner. i was shunned and mocked. even my parents were persecuted for allowing me to look the way i did. but i followed the rules. i accepted my callings, taught in the nursery (two years of hell), gave talks in sacrament meeting and passed out in school from having to fast and pray with my parents for blessings. stop eating for a while and god is your atm, apparently.

back to the present day. i don't like to go back to the place that is my past. nothing good happened there. now i will return you to our regularly scheduled ramblings of the present day.
2013, cyd, new

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