September 26th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

"all you had, you wasted"

it never fails, i pick up the laptop to write in here and felix, no matter where he is, comes out and jumps up on me. this time he has settled at my side. good kitty.

no pictures today. so far. lady gaga's body revolution did not inspire me to share my body with the little monsters. i think she's brave for what she's doing. i also think it's a fool's errand to think you can change social norms with a few photographs and maybe a fashion line. when did i get this cynical? have i always been this way? i just think that way. but how are her precious haute coture going to look on her chunky? but brave. i couldn't do it in her place.

now felix is across my lap and this typing thing is a bit more challenging.

so, i've joined klout. i've joined littlemonsters.com. i shun pintrest, instagram and foursquare. pintrest because i don't shop for what i can't afford. instagram because i don't see the point. and foursquare because i never go anywhere.

next month i am getting a bank account in my own name and reverifying my paypal status. then i am going to sell stuff on ebay. maybe i'll sell my jewelry on etsy, i can get a better price for it. but the auction stuff is going on ebay. i have to bring in more money and i'm not getting any better at leaving the house. i did go for a walk one day, but i didn't tout the achievement because i got lost and kind of freaked out until i happened upon my street. i want to get a job. but there's steps to that. getting my scooter back, which, to be fair to BB, it's almost done. then i have to learn to ride it, which BB is going to teach me. then i have to go get another replacement social security card, then i can go to work.

i want to work at the local seven eleven. i miss cashiering. it was fun and low stress. low pay and no benefits, but i have medicare and doc''s insurance and i don't need much more extra money, another $600 a month would be great. then i could pay for more than food and rent. doc pays all the bills, my medication charges, and cigarettes and anything i want to spend money on. which won't be anything this month. so i can have money to open a checking account next month when my check comes. just try living on SSI. if i didn't have doc, i'd be on the street.

so i've lost two dear livejournal friends in the last month. and i'm trying to figure out what i did. i guess i should just ask. but i don't have the guts for that. i can't stand rejection. i miss them.

i have 83 whole twitter followers! excitement today as two more bands followed me. i always get excited, hoping maybe they can find inspiration in my spoken pieces and write music to go with them. it's been a long time since someone mixed my voice to anything, and i kind of uintentionally fucked over the last guy who did and alienated him, which sucks. i really fucked that up. i was a fucking mess as a cam girl. i'm glad i have all that stuff friends protected here. i can't just have strangers knowing what a loser i've been. let them be content to know i'm a loser now.

i took a long, luxurious european hand held shower this morning. i feel great. i had to comb my hair out and let it down for a while. i've had it tied back because it's been so hot and muggy. but i really hate myself with a pony tail and found myself scowling at my reflection every time i passed it, so time to put the hair down. this is not one of the days i wish my hair was straight.
2013, cyd, new

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