September 24th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

sometimes life isn't scary enough

some days you just have to gulp and open up the input window to full screen. be confronted by that blank white screen. do what you can to fill it up. some days are just like that. someone dear once sent me a magnet that says "do one thing every day that scares you". i still have that, i look at it every day. i never do it. today i am. so it's full screen. so i have nothing to say. oy, what have i done?

i called kelli this weekend and i had nothing to say. i love listening to her talk, so it worked out. but i usually have stuff to say to her. i can talk to her about trivial and personal shit i don't always feel comfortable writing about in here. or talking to doc about. that's why there's kellis in the world. to be the one no one else can be. that's what makes her so special. everyone should have a kelli in their lives. we've known each other years and years and have never fought. or argued. or disagreed on more than if we liked a TV show. she can cut through the bullshit like no one else in the world. no one.

sunrise was nice this morning. i was herding cats in the back yard, so no pictures were taken. some mornings i crave chaos upon awaking so i let 2 or 3 cats out at a time. of course, felix ran away and came back an hour later. freddie took another big step in her "bop bop" training. (if i haven't explained that, it's this: she wouldn't learn the word 'outside' and one day, because she bopped out of the door when i let her, i called 'outside' 'bop bop' . . . she learned it immediately. next step is teaching her not to jump out until the 'bop bop' command is given. she did really well today.) lelu just lounged around being queen of the patio, which is what she does best. she occasionally wanders around and sniffs things out, but mostly just lays around on the patio or one of the chairs on the patio. one night i forgot about her and left her out and she found a way into the front yard. she was lounging on the driveway when i found her. completely at ease.

doc didn't mail my prescriptions. AURGH! i have three days left of BOTH anti depressants. and that means filling in with cymbalta for a week or so. which is better than going without, but not good for my liver (it's a good thing i don't like to drink) and it makes me hungry. that's why i quit it in the first place. OH! i found a picture of myself, full body, dressed at my fattest. i ordered two prints of it. one for the bathroom, so i don't see myself like that anymore, and one for my mirror in my bedroom so i don't get like that again.

i can't wait to get the prints back. i found some of kelli and an old friend of hers that used to fly in and visit us once a month and take us out drinking to the Double Down. i miss those times. hanging out with Melo, doing shots and the place being deserted and having the run of the juke and oh! it was great. i know i can't go back again, that time is over, but i do look back on it fondly. even my worst memories of the Double Down are happy ones. not to say i will never go back. i will. when the time is right.

i've been listening to a lot of Florence and the Machine. the lyrics just hold me rapt. she has such a way of stringing words together that never ceases to surprise me, with each new song i listen to. and i'm going through the catalog slowly, savoring every last note, each word. she talks a lot about letting go of her past and her metaphors are enticing. this is a thing i can relate to, a struggle i have. at first i felt foolish being so influenced by the words of those much younger than me and then i realized i was being ageist and completely against what i believe in. all i wanted at that age was to be listened to and inspire my elders. actually, i just wanted to inspire someone, somewhere.

speaking of, shameless plug time: HEAR ME HERE - http://bit.ly/S7DApK FOR FREE and if you like what you hear, BUY MY BOOK HERE - http://bit.ly/OPSYXa and don't forget to follow me on Twitter @cydniey. there, that was painless. and would you look at that, the white page is nearly filled. my job here is done.
2013, cyd, new

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