September 12th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

Journal: "it spits you out when you desire to conquer it"

damn, it's almost 6. i've been up since 1. doc was a god and made me cinnamon coffee before he went to bed at 4. i'm on my last cup. then i think i'll try to get some sleep. maybe.

it's chilly outside. shades of fall. it will be 91 today. still summer. but i think the triple digits may be over. at least for the next week.

i signed up for a free website to transfer my photos from the other computer. i plan to do that today. i only have two more days to finish and order my photobook in order to get it for free. there are benefits to Klout. then i have until the 21st to order my 50 free prints. that won't be a problem, i'll have my check by then and can easily pay the postage. as for the photobook, i'll have to borrow the money from doc to pay the postage on it. i spent more than usual this month on the backpack i got. it was on sale, i had to get it. but it left me broke for a week.

i've started writing again. slowly. bastardized haikus. the ones that don't completely suck get twittered. that's how it starts. haiku was a gateway drug to free form poetry for me. it got me interested. it wasn't until years later that Matt convinced me i could write if i just put the words down. i have a couple of subjects for new pieces rattling around in my brain. just waiting for the right opening words. once i get it started, look out. i think i'll read my books when i'm done with my photo project. maybe seeing my old work will trigger the word games i used to play when i wrote.

it would be nice to have new material. not just to publish another book, but to start doing my reading podcast again. one thing i think i'm going to add is reading my favorite songs. that's hard. i've been practicing. the first thing you have to do is get the song out of your head. that will just fuck up your pacing. then there is reading the song with fresh eyes and getting what meaning you can out of it and stringing sentences together instead of rhyming lines. i'll try it out, just for fun. i can be the next william shatner of spoken word. heh.
2013, cyd, new

ghost of love: a poem of sorts

i've never written you a poem
in all the years we've spent together
laughing and crying and fighting and
best of all, making up
and speaking of making it up
i will make it all up to you
i love you more than i can articulate
there are no uncomfortable silences
tense moments dissolve
with laughter and sarcasm and adoration
i know you love me
but i know you love the old me more
and i'm trying to be that me
i want you to understand
i don't want you because i need you
i need you because i want you
the family we've built is perfect
and you have done more
to make that happen than
i can ever thank you for
your understanding
your smile
your ability to read my face
your attention
your caring
these are all things i cannot
thank you for enough
and enough is what you need to hear

i know the past has weakened you
the time with me has aged you unfairly
and you deserve better
i thought i did too, and
then i almost walked away from you
and i realized what i was about to lose
and not from walking away
but from what i have become
but you still stay and
you keep me here and
you take care of me when i need it
how do i tell you i love you?
how do i show it?
i'm working on it
trying to be the person i was
trying to be better
trying to be worthy of you
these are my goals
just to hear you say
you love me again
2013, cyd, new

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2013, cyd, new

soon i'll sleep

next tuesday i see my doctor and two weeks after that i'll have my ambien back. i can't fucking wait. i can't sleep again. and i don't want to medicate myself to get there. i may have to. the only time i get any sleep is when i take something for it and OTC stuff doesn't work on me anymore. doc says for every four hours i'm awake, i sleep one. i've had my one, from 1 -2pm, and i want more. i could just go to bed, but i want the tv on so i stay here in the living room. and it's more like 7 hours awake, one asleep. he's not home during the day, what does he know? silly head.