August 25th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

hungover

if your psychiatric doctor, if you happen to have one, suggests Trazadone to you, politely decline. or run. it's an anti depressant also used as a sleeper. it makes me feel drunk, i mean hammered. can't walk or talk right. then it knocks me out for about 5 hours and when i wake up i feel like i've been hit by an armored humvee. i've been up for almost three hours now and i feel . . . strange. disconnected. unable to concentrate, i can't even finish a cup of coffee to try to counteract the effects. and here's the really bright part, i took it to relax today when three xanax didn't do anything for me. i'm not on it any more, i just have it left over because i usually refused to take it when i was supposed to because of the way it makes me feel. i can't believe i took upwards of 40 of them one day and nothing happened. i must have been pretty far gone that day. i know i journaled it, but i can't bear to go back and look at it. i do not revel in my weaknesses like i used to.

i've lost my affection for the Toms. doc told me they were fire ants. and two of them bit me. they don't bite especially hard, they are, after all, ants. but they bite me between my toes, and that is startling. i still watch them and worry about them, their hole got completely washed out by this week's day o' rain. i don't know where they've relocated to, or if they've just been hanging out deep in their burrow waiting for things to dry out. our back yard is sand, so it stays wet a while. especially with the layer of dead pine needles over most of it.

sai sai has learned to bite without drawing blood. which is a relief because i'm never sure when i'm going to offend him. he's bitten me in my sleep before. yesterday i was petting his side, and i knew it wouldn't last long, he won't tolerate it. but he had his head on my one hand and i was petting him with the other. when he'd had enough, he lightly grabbed my free hand with his mouth and then let go. i said "okay" and stopped petting his side and all was well.