July 16th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

"and i hope and i dream and i pray"

in a rare moment of lucidity i became aware that this day i am "out sick".

i've been skating along so well on my meds for the last few weeks, i'd put out of my mind how scary it is in here.

i've been in my room cowering in bed all day. cuddled up with a sick cat, hiding from the light which is really hurting me. bad thoughts.

i hate being crazy.

if i had it to do all over again, i wouldn't.

but i don't. so here i am doing it.

tomorrow i'll be fun again.

jack is doing much better. only 8 more days of isolation for him. poor kitty.
2013, cyd, new

much better

i feel much better now. the sun went down and i took a xanax. the sun was really hurting my eyes and feeling like it was burning me, even through the shades. that's a side effect of my anti-psychotic med, so despite the symptoms i've been having today, we know i'm taking it and it's working. i guess the xanax helped, too.

i've been thinking about all the things that have changed about me since i moved here. and i realized i am a different person than i was then. i've lost a lot of myself. some of it bad stuff, that i'm happy to be rid of. other stuff was good. and my memory. losing that was/is hard. most of my time here is a blank. in fact most of my time with doc is a blank. there are certain things i held onto, but mostly it's gone. and my short term memory is so gone. that's one thing i wouldn't do over, ECT. losing my mind was easier than losing my memory.

but i'm getting better with the short term stuff. trying to use games to remember things. that is working pretty well. one of the cool things is that some movies i've seen dozens of times are brand new to me. i told doc the other day i'd never seen Snatch, and he looked at me like i had three heads and reminded me that it is one of my favorite movies. heh. i remember none of it.

maybe that's why i can watch NCIS night after night, re-run after re-run without tiring of it. i know most of the episodes by heart now. aside from the familiarity of the characters comforting me, i always know what to expect. i don't like surprises anymore.

this house was just too big today. there were too many unfamiliar sounds. i was scared all day. even though i had all the doors and gates closed and locked. it is weird getting used to all this space, while getting used to living just with doc again, having my own space again and the independence that comes with all of that. i still have not had the courage to walk around or go up to the corner store, but i know i'll do it soon. i plan on getting a job at the corner store as soon as i find my social security card.

"once i find" . . . everything is still packed. i'm having the hardest time unpacking and deciding where things go. i need to get over that. i'm tired of the boxes laying around.