June 12th, 2012

2013, cyd, new

hmm

i guess i've made my decision. i told doc tonight, very calmly that if we are not moving on june 30, i'm leaving that day. i told him i'm taking the bus fare out of my account as soon as my check is in. he said "oh".

the dreamy house was taken off the market today. i told doc i wasn't going to go look at any more places. he is paying for most of it, he can choose the house. so i won't have my tent or my computer setup. i'll have a mattress and a dresser and my laptop. and i'll share a bathroom with M. and when i can't take it any more, i'll leave then.

sunday afternoon when doc got up, he asked me why i was mad at him, i don't know what i did to bring that on, but i said to him, "i'm not mad at you, i'm trying to get over you. things are obviously dead on your side of it, i'm just doing the same. i've had my hopes up too long." he replied, "i thought you already were over me, you gave up tw years ago."

that's where the conversation ended. he turned away and i put my headphones back on and watched netflix.

so that's the way things are. we just don't talk about it. he didn't want to talk about me leaving, but he can't sleep tonight. i wonder if the two are connected or if he even cares enough to lose sleep over me potentially leaving in two weeks.

my future looks bleak if i stay here. if i move to pittsburgh, i won't have much, not more than i can carry, but i'll have my best friend. here, i am isolated. doc is not my friend, he's my ex. M means nothing to me, nor me to him. again, i'm running out of pros to staying here. if you take doc out of the equation, there is no point at all. i have no ties to this city. i love it, but no one will do the things with me in town that i want to do. so i sit home alone. i could be anywhere sitting alone, and i wouldn't notice the difference.

i can't believe the house is off the market. if doc had called last monday when we looked at it, it could be ours. he's now looking back in the ghetto areas. he wants to live near the guys. they live in a broken down hovel. all of the houses in that area are the same. and they are all old and ill equipped and small and don't have garages. let alone big extra rooms that can be made into a bedroom. M pays more than me, so he'll get the second biggest bedroom. that will leave me with whatever. and sharing a bathroom with M, which he is mad about. i told him i might be leaving, and he told me it was probably for the better. nice thing to hear from the guy you have to share a bathroom with. and live with.

i hate what doc is doing to me. he asks me what i want, he agrees to it, then he goes the opposite way with it all. and part of it is his laziness. but part of it has to be malicious. no one is that lazy and stupid.

but i had to give him a deadline. not only to show him i am serious, but to show myself i am serious. i had to make a promise to myself, stop leaving it this open ended thing that might happen. no. if criteria aren't met, i'm getting on the 3 o'clock bus that day and not looking back.

the only problem is that because he won't go to the smoke shop and refill our stock of smokes, i've had to spend what little money i had on smokes. i don't have the money or resources to buy an army duffel bag. maybe 'll just spend my check on it, and doc can be short my rent for the month by a few bucks.

i guess ragdoll won't get adopted after all. she only comes to me and would be my cat, but if i'm leaving, she's pretty much stuck. and i'll be leaving my constant companion behind, felix. doc says he will revert back to being M's cat becase M was the one who brought him in. too bad both of M's cats beat up on felix. but he can hold his own. his life will just be different. he'll get a different kind of love. and he won't be disciplined anymore, which he will be sure to love.

thinking about leaving felix makes me cry. i got too attached to him. but i didn't know what was going to happen. i still don't so there's no point in crying now. i have a three day bus trip to do that.