December 25th, 2011

xmas lights

dic is gone for the night

i jusst slept through the shows i wanted to watch. then doc called a bunch of times to get him this and that and put it in a bag by the door. then comes by for it and i'm in the bathroom and he has no keys with him. so i'm in trouble for not waiting for him. fuck him, he doesn't piss himself if he waits too long, i do.

it's xmas. merry xmas to those who celebrate. happy december 25th to everyone else.

do i want to be awake now, or tomorrow durinng the day. i'll be alone either way. helll i'm alone when he's in the room.

maybe now that xmas is over, he'll go back to normal. too late. damage done.

i needed him this week. i was screaming out for help and he was right here complaining of the din. the solution to my schizophrenia is to "stop it". he promised to protect and take care of me and i guess that promise has expired.

who do i hate more? myself for not killing myself this week, or him. he told me i was selfish for wanting to die. he would be free and kelli would be sad for a while. who would take care of the cats? who cares. when i do it, i'm taking felix with me because doc will never love him. so now i have to have the desperation to takke the life of felix when i take my own. and when i take my own, i better make sure it works because i couldn't live withouut my felix.

why?
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2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i lit a fire in the firebox. listened to some xmas music and saw an Absolutely Fabulous i hadn't seen before. oh, and i made a pot of hazelnut coffee. ground fresh. i'll stay up to watch some nnews. then i'm going to couch.
2013, cyd, new

merry merry

once dic got home around 10am, i took my meds and a handful of trazadone and went to sleep. and i got good, restful, dream filled sleep. i woke up feeling brilliant. now i'm watching the Doctor Who xmas special.

i feel great now. doc is out to eat with the guys.

we're walking up to see the lighted cactus garden next weekend. i woke up too late for us to go tonight. and it probably would have been packed and maybe it will be a bit warmer. it's supposed to be.

i don't feel the least bit suicidal tonight. it's a refreshing change. i even thought about hurting myself. i'm glad that's over. it would seem i survived another episode, this time without landing in hospital.