November 2nd, 2011

2013, cyd, new

pre dawn

i'm up at 4:30 and i'm perfectly happy.

last night i went to get a soda and i got to the door and spilled the whole fucking thing. i was too discouraged to go get a new one last night. i just got back from the corner store, got another soda and didn't spill it this time.

why, when i'm alone during the day, i'm a scared, depressed and hopeless, but in the middle of the night i'm at my happiest. even though i'm still alone and i have to be quiet.

well, i don't have to be quiet for much longer, M is up getting ready for what i assume is work. he doesn't talk to us really, even when he's not mad.

but i have nothing to do, tv pretty much sucks for the next couple of hours and i'm out of pot but i'm giddy. maybe i should only sleep in four hour stretches and that will help.

i do know that today, if i'm feeling badly, i'm going to take some night nurse and knock myself out for a few hours. maybe it will clear my cursed stuffy head.

if i wake up at this time in a couple of months, i'll be up for sunrise.

i have to go find doc's inhaler, i can barely breathe.
2013, cyd, new

such a better day

i've slept about 2 hours since i got up at 4. i'll sleep some more, even though M is home. i should sleep from 7 on, like he does. he has to get up early for some reason. but that's about the time that tv gets good and keeps me up.

i'm having a much better day today. i took extra anti depressant with my morning meds. i think i just need a higher dose. again, need to talk to my shrink. he's not in today, so i left a message. i'm always reluctant to call him, though he tells me all the time i can. he intimidates me, as all doctors do.

the cats are sleeping out in the open today. everywhere i go, i can pet a cat. i love it when they sleep out instead of in their hidey holes. felix tried a couple times to sit on my lap, but i was too fidgety. now he's sleeping on top of doc's shelves. it's the only place freddie can't get to him except the porch. freddie still hasn't figured out the cat door, so she's stuck inside while the others take refuge from her out there. it's just a matter of time before she figures it out. she sits and stares at it, and lays in front of it, guarding it from the others. she can be a real pain in the ass. once she figures out the cat door, she's going to be a menace.