aside from a couple hours last evening, i haven't slept yet. even doc's home in bed. but he has to work in a few hours, so he should be in bed. all the cats are hiding and asleep. only M and i are up. and he just got up. i'm going to assume he got a job and that's why he's been getting up early and leaving all day. i'd ask him, but i don't know if he's speaking to me and i don't want to deal with any harshness in case he isn't.
the sad thing is, i'm not even tired. i don't want to stay up until dawn, i guess i should take more sleeper. it's been hours since i had any. though that will make the morning rough, we're out of milk for coffee. i will drink it black if i have to, but if i'm not droopy, i can just go up and get a soda. i somehow doubt that doc will be up early enough to go get milk. i really need to learn to drive the scooter. then i could just go up to the real store and get milk myself.
i think i'll go find felix and lay down for a while.
things not to wake up to: anything narrated by David Attenborough, the travel channel. i am in a foul mood. my meds aren't doing anything about it. i've eaten, so it's not a blood sugar thing. i have my coffee and i just had a fun size milkyway for a bit of a sugar rush. i still feel like taking a bottle of xanax. i told doc last night i wanted to die. he just nodded. i didn't know what to do with that. i assume it means, "quit talking about it and do it already." i wonder if he's like me and figures that's the only and inevitable end to this relationship. actually, i see him meeting someone and leaving me for her.
yes, i'm all about chipper today.
not that much better. i don't know what to do. i took extra anti-depressants. i should just go to sleep. i can't see staying awake feeling this way. i was on pristiq and viibryd together, but my shrink had me wean off of the pristiq and just take the viibryd.
i could just be suffering from PMS, or During MS. i've had the worst cramps in the world for three days now. today i took some pain reliever before they could start.
i've been dreaming about the hospital. day dreaming about it, too. it's been a long time since i was put away last. in fact, it was my trip to rehab, for all the good that did. they over medicated me and made me fill out some workbook. plus i wasn't taken seriously because my only addiction was/is pot. that's easy to them, just quit.
but i was talking about the hospital. i don't know what i think they could do for me there. i know if i OD, i'll end up there, and i don't want to go. but it's been on my mind a lot. there's something freeing in losing everything for a while. what do i do at home? smoke pot? none of that there. smoke breaks every two hours. no news, no cable. getting up very early in the morning, being fed regularly. i'm really sick. part of me thinks i belong in a long term facility, drugged to within an inch of my life. i just know i don't belong here. i'm a danger to myself. not all the time, i'm not motivated enough and i worry about who would take care of the cats. but i'm not stable by any means.
maybe i'm this way today because i'm not stoned. but i don't see how smoking would make things better. it's a depressant, i don't need any more of that. i want to take an ephedrine, but that goes counter to wanting to sleep. i've already done my chores, there's nothing left for me ahead but hours of repetitive news.
i could go for a walk, but i don't really want a soda. and i really don't want to go for a walk. the thought of the bright sun in my eyes is too much for me to bear. it's so much worse with photophobia. i close my eyes and everything is bright red, the light pierces my lids. i end up closing my eyes while i'm walking, which isn't the least bit smart or safe. maybe at sunset i'll go.
the extra viibryd did the trick. i don't feel suicidal anymore. good timing, too. i was about to go take the pills and leave doc a goodbye message on his phone. now i can't believe i felt that low. never try to sleep to the travel channel. that's my new rule. i have to wake up before doc from now on and avoid that. something about the narration just puts me in a bad mood. add that to the low i've been feeling since i stopped the pristiq.
the cats should be getting up soon. felix got up and ate and then went back to his hidey spot to finish his nap. i have to remember to feed them wet food tonight. i forgot last night. it's just a treat for them, but i like to be consistent. leeloo, felix and freddie love the wet food. jack just eats it because it's there.
i can't believe we're changing the clocks back this weekend. i'm not ready for the sun to go down at 6. i guess i'm never ready for winter. i don't mind the cold so much, it's not that bad and i have my trusty space heater. it's the shorter days that i can't stand. on the other hand, i'll be sleeping through sunrise more often. my sleeper worked last night, although i took it at 5. i woke up at eleven thirty and doc was just leaving to go get milk and a hair cut. i could have changed the channel and gone back to sleep, but decided to get up. i should have slept more. i may have woken up in a better mood.
i hate mood swings. i hate being hopeless. the whole reason i've been sleeping out here on the couch is to wake up in a better mood with a better outlook on life without the morning panic attacks. i don't miss the attacks, but i miss waking up happy. tomorrow will be better. i'll take my sleeper earlier so i wake up before doc does and avoid the tv ugliness.
right now i can't believe how low i was feeling today. the desperation seems so far now. i feel so much better now. maybe it's the daylight. maybe with shorter days i'll feel better more. i was on the very edge today and now i feel so light and hopeful. i've stopped thinking about the hospital so much. i'm thinking about the cats and how much i love them and doc. i know the marriage is over, but i still love him with all my heart. and i was ready to say goodbye in a voicemail. i'm just glad it's over now. tomorrow will be a better day.