October 14th, 2011

2013, cyd, new

mid 90s today

today is not a good day. i woke up in bed. hate. M had company over last night so i couldn't sleep on the couch. i woke up late. i begged doc to stay home with me today and keep me from taking a bottle of xanax. he said no. he says it's because he has nothing to do here. which is wrong. he has plenty to do. he has messes to clean up and mail from four years ago to go through.

all this stuff. and i can't get to my stuff to clean it out because his mess is in the way. so he tells me i have projects to do today, and i have none. not unless i move all of his stuff to the living room and pile it up so i can get to my stuff. which would not make him happy.

freddie and felix started playing with each other today. they played a prolonged game of chase and pounce. this makes me happy. leeloo has already accepted freddie and now felix has. it's just up to jack now.

they announced an express to downtown on the bus, and i told doc that i wanted to use it to go down to First Friday every month. he told me i couldn't go alone. so that's the strip i'm not allowed to go to and freemont street. it isn't like he'll go with me and i don't have anyone else to go to these places with. stuck in the las vegas suburbs. which makes it just like every place i've ever lived before. las vegas may as well not even exist in my world. so glad i moved here. i could be in any southern city in the west. i moved to sin city for a reason. my obsession with the strip and my later love of freemont street and the First Friday celebrations downtown.

i'm sad today. without hope. i just don't care anymore what happens to me. nothing matters. nothing changes. everytime i find something i want to do, i'm not allowed unless it's in this house or at the corner store. i can't live like this anymore. one day is the next, and will never change.

our checking account is overdrawn and of course it's all my fault. i don't even care. i get blamed for everything bad anyway, doc is never at fault for anything. it must be nice. and since i'm insane, i have no defense. he tells me my memory is faulty. even when it isn't. i can't take this anymore. i feel like a prisoner of my own mind, and i can't take it any more.
2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i cleaned the litter box outside and took a shower and i feel a little better. i also took a xanax. i have no problem over sedating myself today, if only to get through it.

i can't deal with this boredom sober. that's my whole problem. and i've been sober for two days.

this morning i actually yelled at felix without provocation. i of course gave him some bologna and pets and made it up to him. he seemed a little confused. he and freddie are hiding out sleeping right now. she's gotten good at getting onto the bed and is quickly making it her home. there's room for her and leeloo and felix without conflict, but i'll be surprised when it finally happens.

i was wrong about felix, he's not hiding out. he's on the back of the couch kicking me in the head in his sleep. scared the hell out of me.

it's amazing how much better i feel after that shower. i should do it more often. my hygiene leaves a lot to be desired. it's my fear of the shower that keeps me from it. ever since the incident at the hospital, i've been scared of the shower, that someone's going to pounce in on me and attack me. and no one will be there to help, just like at the hospital. but once i'm done with the shower i always feel so much better. both emotionally and physically.

i've come to terms with my curly hair. i'm going for the neil gaiman look. right now i'm rocking the greg brady perm hair. not really flattering, but entertaining to me. i don't know how long i'm going to let it get. i do know i'm going to get it professionally cut this time. to give it some shape and make it less likely to tangle. i'm also not dying it. my grey hairs are few and far between, and i'd like to see what color my hair really is when it's long. it's much darker than i remember it, but then i've been dying it since i was 14. once it grows out and gets cut to the style i want, maybe i'll go back to being a redhead, or maybe a blonde. there's not enough blonds with naturally curly hair.

i have this contraption that stuffs tobacco into pre-rolled tubes with filters. so that's what i mean when i say i stuffed some cigarettes. which i did. doc says i need to keep my hands busy. so stuffing cigs is a way to pass a half an hour.

i haven't napped at all today. with the xanax i'm taking, i'm afraid to go to sleep. maybe i'll go for a walk and get a soda. that will keep me awake. i won't go to sleep while there's soda around. that sounds scary, i think i'll stay right here.
2013, cyd, new

(no subject)

i went to the store. again, i feel much better. though i don't know if it was the walk, the soda, or the donuts. i was sedated enough to go out and not freak out. the walk is pretty short. i should start going the opposite direction to the other corner store that's further away. i would burn up more calories that way and get to spend a little more time in the sun, now that it's mellowed out for fall.

it's only 4:30. torchwood starts at 8. rachel maddow is on at 6. how will i get through the next few hours? i've run out of projects to do. i won't sleep because i have soda. i could chain smoke, that seems to have worked so far.

once freddie wakes up, i'll try to video her playing at being a kitten.