October 11th, 2011

2013, cyd, new


i'm so tired of doc's friends. do i need to eat? do i sleep a lot? am i okay? i mean, it's nice that they care, but it just gives doc more fuel for his nagging of me. i'm fine. i sleep because i'm bored. i'm eating just fine. the other day when they came over i was eating, for christ's sake. maybe i just don't know what it's like to be cared for like that. doc doesn't seem to care. he just uses it as fuel to mock me and nag at me.

freddie is doing great. she's not as affectionate now that she's more independent. but she plays a lot and pounces felix and sleeps out in the open now. i think she's going to be a great addition to this family. and i think the cats are coming around to that, as well. at least leeloo, who freddie leaves alone. she mainly goes after the males. jack and tech are cowed by it, felix fights back. she just wants to play and i think felix is starting to realize that.

i really don't want a mormon president. i grew up in a mormon household, that was enough for me. actually, i don't want a republican president at all. i'm just so sick of politics. we should do the british thing and only allow the candidates to run for a limited time. this is just wearying. i've been finding other things to watch on tv. usually the news is good for me all the time. i'll watch it for hours. but all this mess . . . ugh.
2013, cyd, new


do i do my chores now and then go to sleep, or sleep now and do my chores later? or do i do my chores and not sleep at all? i am bored stupid and very anxious. i'm almost out of cigarettes and weed. and will be for a while. i'm flirting with quitting one or the other. or both. but i'm scared how this evening is going to go sober and nicotine free. plus i can't seem to sleep. i've been trying for the past hour with no luck. i don't know how many more days of this monotony i can take. i'm driving myself crazier just sitting here watching news and getting stoned and chain smoking.

i was looking forward to taming freddie to break up my day, but she's fine. it's like she was meant to be here. the other cats may still disagree to some extent, but that will fade as she mellows further.

i have to go get a bank account this weekend so i can finally set up my paypal account again and finally sell off these happy meal toys. they've been sitting here in a plastic box, taking up room, and they need to go. plus, the money would be nice to have. my medication just went up in price because it was changed. if it didn't work so well, i wouldn't even think of paying for it. but these toys can get me at least a three month supply. that's not bad. the pain in the ass will be the shipping. that's the thing i hate about selling on ebay. even though the post office is right up the road, the whole thing is just a hassle. but it needs to be done. and if i can get them sold in one fell swoop of marathon selling, i'll never have to deal with it again. as with everything from my mother, this is a mixed blessing. big pain in the ass for a little payoff.

i called kelli on my cell phone. i only used up 25 minutes and i don't plan on going anywhere this month, so i won't be needing those 25 minutes. i doubt i'll ever actually use the minutes they give me, they are very generous. once again, the link is http://safelink.com. if you need a cell phone for emergencies and for just living day to day and you're on SSI, like i said, they are very generous. even the phone was free. it's nothing fancy, it texts and has a bunch of ringtones of varying annoyingness, also, voicemail. helpful if you're looking for work and have no other way to make contact.
2013, cyd, new

just more stuff

i didn't sleep. i did my chores. then i stuffed some cigarettes. the rest of my tubes are damaged, so i can't stuff any more. then i made myself some fried ramen noodles for dinner. they were good. we're out of steak sauce now, though. i have to remember to tell doc that the next time he goes to the store. then i watched rachel maddow and fed the cats wet food. now i just have to get through this next hour of news (why is 7pm a tv dead zone?) and then a new NCIS comes on.

fascinating life. i can't even read that back because i'm pretty sure i'll cry. maybe the time has come to up my anti depressant to 40mg. i'll be on that dose soon. today i took my last pristiq. we had a good run, low side effects. except it allowed the overwhelming fatigue to take over. i'm kind of dealing with that now, since i'm on a lower dose of both. once i'm on 40mg a day of the vybriid, i'll stop with the napping all the time. i'm still sleeping on the couch. it will take much nagging of doc to get me to stop that. i just won't nap on it all day. i have to find something to do with my hands.