February 8th, 2011

frances farmer

today is better

i'm not as twitchy and the voices are quieter, like before i changed meds. i think i will sleep today, though. i'm not drinking as much coffee and if the med wants to take me to nap time, let it. as long as i have the kitchen cleaned and coffee made by four thirty. that's when i wake doc up. i just want to be calm while he's up before work, i've been so high strung and rocking back and forth and making him nervous. he doesn't need that before work. he's been nice enough not to say anything. well, yesterday he told me to stop rocking. but that is it.

chloe woke me up at five thirty for a potty run and then sat in her kennel up on the bed with me, meowing. i felt so bad i couldn't let her out to wander around, but i feel better if she's secured for the night. then when doc gets home, he brings the kennel into the living room and lets her out. she finished her medicated food overnight after pigging out on dry food all day. so her appetite is back. she was never a heavy cat to begin with. in fact she's tiny and skinny, the kitty that never grew up. my only concern is that felix hisses at her since she got back from the vet. they don't cross paths that often but when they do, he freaks out. i don't know what his deal is, the rest of the cats just avoid her.

i'm so tired of being mentally ill. i wish so much there was just a switch to turn off that just hasn't been found by scientists yet. if i was better, doc would love me again. maybe. maybe if i didn't need him, which i don't but he doesn't know that. he thought he was my only option until i pointed out pittsburgh and kelli as an alternative. if i leave, he'll just go on with his life. i don't want that, i want to be a part of his life. i want to stay with him. we made a commitment to each other and i plan to uphold it. i want to be his wife. i'm comfortable with that. he's not. doesn't even like me to use the "w" word. i just wish i wasn't so crazy.