January 29th, 2011

hidey chloe

nothin' but panic

what am i so afraid of?

i got up after doc went to sleep and if i hadn't had to pill and take care of chloe, i would have flipped out. now she's sleeping in her kennel. we leave the door to the kennel open in the evening and i have to watch her when she gets out. she's feeling better. she's still shaky but she's getting braver about leaving her kennel and wandering around. and still looking for places to hide. i pulled her out from under the chair earlier. she was not happy and howled at me about it. stress. i'm afraid something will happen to her on my watch.

since i was taking care of her, i forgot to take my own meds until just a few minutes ago. i'm frazzled and i've only been up for two hours. i had a cup of coffee but i think i'm going to lay down for a while. once the xanax kicks in and chills me out a little bit.

i didn't go get my glasses yesterday. doc wouldn't get out of bed. he says we're going monday morning. i'll believe it when it happens.

he asked me last night if things have been better the last few days and i told him infinitely. he said i've been good too. he said he had no idea he perpetuated my illness. there has been an epiphany. he hasn't been yelling, i haven't been cowering and keeping to myself. cause and effect. i just needed him to understand that when things get hostile, a grown up child of abuse is going to revert back to safety mode. i think he gets it now. i don't want to jinx it, but things are going really well.