January 27th, 2011

hidey chloe

"if she gets sluggish, give her fluids"

yesterday was definitely a sluggish day for chloe. she slept all day, peed once and didn't drink any water. she did eat some. so this morning doc and i gave her fluids. she's sleeping it off. the whole process makes me squeamish, but i stayed in the bathroom and helped keep her calm and monitored the fluid level in the bag.

i'm so fed up with myself and my lack of self care. it's one of the "negative" symptoms of schizophrenia. that and my general lack of laughing or crying. when i see my shrink next week i'm going to ask him to up my anti psychotics and see if the symptoms decrease. i've also been having "positive" symptoms like hallucinations, both auditory and visual, which i get used to but i may be able to live with less of with a med increase. then there's the psychotic episodes . . . they happen with some frequency. i just flip out for no reason and revert back to childhood responses. they can last hours or days. these are what wear on doc. i want him to be home with me, there just isn't a lot he can do but sit with me and supervise me so i don't go off and hurt myself. it's very frustrating for him. that's why we usually fight when he stays home, i'm in a bad place and he is frustrated and helpless feeling. i can understand how living with me must be hell.

it's time to stop putting off the cleaning out of the house that will precede our move. we want to move into a bigger place with less stuff. fresh start and all that. we're not hoarders, though we do have a hard time throwing stuff away. i'm as guilty of this as doc is. but there is a time when i have to look at something that is broken and decide to throw it away. to look at something else and ask myself if i've gotten twenty or whatever dollars enjoyment out of it, is it time to pass it along? i need to do that with everything i have. i have a feeling i can get rid of a lot of stuff this way. i'm not moving all this crap. i moved it out here from PA 11 years ago and then gathered more stuff. it's time to purge and start over again.