January 25th, 2011

frances farmer

(no subject)

there's stuff piled in the sink. i hate that, never let it get that way. but every time i go in to fix it, i get totally overwhelmed.

taking care of chloe is weighing on me. and i'm not even doing the hard stuff like the sub cue fluids. she's not eating again. this upsets me. i got up this morning and she was on the back of the couch and doc was asleep in the chair. he brought her kennel out from the bedroom and she climbed down off the top of the couch and went right into the kennel. she's sleeping now. i feel so stressed out over it. if something happens to her, doc will forever blame me. and i will forever blame me. just like i do with henry. i blame his death on myself. if there was something more i could have done . . . what if. i feel so helpless. all i can do is take her to the litterbox when she meows at me and just keep an eye on her while she sleeps. the whole thing is stressing me the fuck out.

all goes well with doc. he's been very nice the past few days. things are comfortable. the way i like them. for my part, i've started talking again. he finally came out and told me what i already knew, that i pronounced words differently without my front teeth. it's only been a year and a half. i know this, i hear it and i trip over words and that is why i rarely speak. and i hate talking on the phone. which is why i resent it so much when he makes me call about everything. i can't believe it took him so long to say something about it. i really can't believe that kelli can understand me on the phone. she has some serious patience.

felix has been very jealous of the time i'm spending with chloe. it's so cute.