January 23rd, 2011

frances farmer

(no subject)

i got up after doc went to sleep and i'm having a panic attack. all week long i got up while he was still up and no panic attack, is there a connection?

chloe was out on the back of the couch when i got up. M was babysitting her. when i went to put her back in the kennel she gave me a bit of a fight. she's getting stronger and doesn't want to be in the kennel. that's a good thing to an extent. she needs to be in the kennel so she doesn't go hide out of the way of treatment or fill up on food that doesn't have antibiotics mixed in with it. but i love to see her spoiled princess attitude shine through. it's been a little while since i've seen that.

i'm starting to calm down. these attacks are wearing. they tire me out. now, thinking back a half an hour, i don't know what i panicked about. the kitchen isn't dirty. there's nothing pressing for me to do. it's just sunday, dreaded sunday. the whole thing is so irrational. i hate that.

doc asked me to start taking ginko to try to improve my memory. i have no problem taking it. but i don't believe in herbal remedies. that's just based on personal experience. i have nothing against herbal remedies, i've just never noticed them helping me or changing me. and i took them for years. it can't hurt any and if it does improve my memory, all the better.

(no subject)

when you scold me i feel hatred for you
but when you're not
i love you more each day

i told him last night i always had the option of leaving. he scoffed, "where, your parent's place?" and i told him no, pittsburgh. we didn't talk for a while after that. it's not something i want to do, but if it's better for both of us he has to know it's on the table. i think i shocked him and made him angry, which i didn't want to do, but someone had to speak up. i don't want to leave, i want to clean out the apartment and move to a bigger place. i want to be able to get along and live together and maybe some day fall back in love.