January 15th, 2011

frances farmer

deep thoughts

if i leave doc, will i be alone forever? i could move back to pittsburgh and get a place with kelli. it's something i've been considering, though i haven't talked to kelli about it. yet. i don't know what to do. i just know i can't live like this anymore. something has to change, whether it's him or whether it's me leaving. there has to be a change. i want to stay in las vegas, but i don't want to be alone. i don't want to go back to pittsburgh, but it's where my best friend lives. i am so utterly conflicted. i just can't take his parenting anymore. i'm a somewhat irresponsible adult and i'm happy with that. but i want to be an adult and be treated like one and the deeper we get into the hatred for each other, the more he parents. we're trapped in this hole of angst. he's an unstable control freak who is just getting worse and has no desire for help or change. except change in me. he wants me to think in his strange OCD way and i just don't get the way he thinks. he tried to turn feeding the cats wet food into this big ordeal and i told him no. he didn't even think about what the cats like, which i know because i feed them every night. but i'm not turning it into an all night thing for absolutely no reason.

he tells me i don't think, but what he means is that i don't think like him. and i don't, and i never will. i see no justification for keeping garbage always piled up for the sake of recycling and burning. we have no recycling here so it waits until unknown bags pile up under the sink and spilling over into the workroom, which is now just the trash room. it drives me crazy. unlike him, i can find no excusable reason for this. he finds justification and logic in it. i won't ever think like him. he wants me to change into him, i want him to change back to the man i fell in love with. we are just at odds on every front and we don't ever discuss things so it spills over into everything. including the smoke of my cigarette not going up the flue when i take a hit of it that got me yelled at twice last night.

every time i forget something, i am doing it on purpose, to him. every time i don't do something up to his expectations, i'm lazy. so tired of it. can't go on with it anymore.