January 10th, 2011

2013, cyd, new

sunny and cold

trouble is, i can't function well until the panic stops. i got up at 9 and doc was still up and started yapping at me about the fire he built, which was still gleefully burning. i couldn't follow him and was afraid i was going to miss something important, some instruction or task, cue the panic bullshit.

i tried to go in and just clean the kitchen and get lost in the task, but i opened the full, clean dishwasher and just got confused. so i came back in here to the living room to listen to the tv and check my email and make a post.

there was no fighting yesterday before he went to work. i had done a lot of stuff around the apartment. he was in a good mood. it was a relief after the three days prior.

i get my new glasses in a few days. after seeing how much better i could be seeing, these glasses are driving me nuts. the doctor told me that my eyes are such that i won't need bifocals for a few more years. and i have a slight astigmatism in my right eye. never has an eye doctor given me so much information. it was hard to find frames without bling all down the side of them. the pair i chose is blue on the inside and black on the outside, so they bring out my eyes but are still black to onlookers and will go with everything i own. which is black, grey or some sort of khaki.
2013, cyd, new


i have a set schedule
set programs i watch
things i do each monday night
why did he stay home
we've already fought
now i'm back to not talking
i was ordered to leave him alone
why did he stay home
must this go on
how long do i live this way
why am i always afraid
why did he stay home tonight
does he feel any better
i asked and he told me i was pretending to care
i don't feel any better
i'm going to end up taking more xanax
now he's asleep in the chair
at peace and asleep
and i'm all wound up and freaking out
i so hate him, i really do
i loved him so much
it was the only logical step
when everything went wrong
right from love to hate
now if i could just stop feeling at all