January 4th, 2011

2013, cyd, new

back to the 40s

the snow was gone by evening yesterday and today it's meant to be 48. that means i can have the vent in the door which means no more huddling up against the fireplace for all my smoke to go up the flue.

no panic today. i woke up at 11. i'm feeling a bit shaky. the xanax doesn't seem to be helping with that. yet.

i have to find a way to pass the hours between 6 when doc leaves until around eight thirty. that's when time passes the slowest. i always get lonely and want to call kelli, but with the time difference, it's always too late. so i've got to find a way to pass the time. i usually vacuum, tidy up the kitchen and whatever little things i can do around the apartment.

felix kept me in bed for an extra half an hour today. when he's half asleep he loves belly rubs. so this morning was the first belly rub morning of the new year. and i think he liked it, he's laying on my arms while i type this on the laptop. kitty loves mummy. i can't believe i almost sent him to a shelter the first week he was here. he was living under my bathroom cabinet and wouldn't come out for anything. finally he started coming out to eat and use the litter box and then he attached to me and he's been the most wonderful, loving cat i've ever had. do i say this a lot? it's just that felix's love is so important to me since i lost doc's. he can't hug me but he can try and he does. he's the only cat i know that will curl up on me while i'm on the laptop and ignore the movements of my arms underneath him and fall asleep.

i think i may be anorexic. i'm not sure and i don't want to self diagnose. but certain things are happening when i deal with food. most of the time i can eat just fine, but sometimes i have to choke down my food, it makes me sick to have it in my mouth and i've thrown up more than one half a meal. i don't try to make myself throw up, it just happens. the other day it happened with a western bacon cheeseburger, i took a bite and couldn't chew it without gagging. and i'm overly concerned with calories, where i've never cared about them before. i can't look at myself in the mirror. my ribs stick out but my belly is still fat and my thighs. that's all i see.