October 6th, 2010

my eye

letter to myself

relax, cyd. you're awake and safe. you're medicated and just waiting on that to hit you. this feeling is temporary, and you experience it every day. it ends. think back. you were fine in bed. but anxious about cigarettes. you were fine when you got dressed and went to the bathroom and rinsed your teeth, this started when you stepped out of the bedroom. mind, most of your shaking is because you are cold and not used to that feeling. the knot in the pit of your stomach is loosening and breathing is coming easier. you must relax. it's only morning.

and don't get wrapped up in the fact that you'll still have three hours to stay up 12 hours from now. deal with that then. not now. this is the beginning of the day. find a way to enjoy the newness of it. find yourself something to do. maybe you can read today. once you calm down, that might be a good idea.

and eat something. don't faint today, keep your shit together. you have all the tools you need. you are safe. there is no need to go through this every day. you do this to yourself and use it as an excuse not to eat or function. and it's got to stop.

now how do you feel? something in your stomach besides pills and stress. the brita has been filled and a cup of coffee made and ready to be consumed. now it's been 45 minutes and it's time for your half cigarette. that will help, a little nicotine might help a bit.

and there, you've talked yourself through the worst of it. now you're feeling better, starting to relax, even warming up a bit. you just have to concentrate on one thing at once. break each task down and handle it one step at a time. you can always find stuff to do, the apartment is a wreck, there's always something to do. just don't sit and drive yourself crazy . . . er.