September 28th, 2010

2013, cyd, new

there is no end to summer on the west coast

nor for us either. there's a heat warning in effect as it's supposed to be 105 today. but i got to sleep with the window open last night and that was a treat above treats.

last night, just as doc was calling out, my meds came. i took two immediately but still made him stay home. i was in a dark and noisy place last night. i couldn't stop rocking back and forth. my hands were all twitchy and manic. i kept covering my ears, i know it had to be hard on doc. the meds took effect and made me slightly loopy. doc wanted to go to work for half the night, so he asked me to go to bed at 11, which i did. i was up at 4 and lay in bed until six. though doc wasn't home when i got up his work shoes were here, cluing me in that he hadn't gone to work after all. i stifled my rage and started my day.

he got home a short time later with more yogurt and toilet paper and a new sweatshirt. walmart is our savior, i swear. no matter how evil they are, they are the only place we can afford to shop. besides me and my thrift shops. doc wears thrift shirts if they're nice enough, they never look thrift. but for outerwear for work he needs new stuff.

so i made myself a pot of coffee and when i went to go get a cup i remember reaching up for the mug and then i was on the floor and my head hurt and doc was splashing me with cold water. he asked me what had happened, had i fallen, and i said, no i must have fainted again. i didn't even feel it coming on. it just happened. so i have an ice pack over a lump on my head balanced between a pillow and my head. i'm glad that cup of coffee wasn't full, i'd still be cleaning it out of the rug in the bathtub.

the voices are quieter today, i can actually hear the tv. the auditory hallucinations have stopped, as far as i can tell. i heard some random meowing this morning that wasn't really happening, but that i take in stride. no voices telling me to hurt myself. no need for babysitting me. i'm not twitching, or nodding my head or gritting my teeth, all of which i've been doing for the last 8 days. i know the answer to the question, can i ever go off meds? no. a resounding no.

M is so lucky he can sleep. he went to bed, well passed out, around 9 and was up when i got up this morning. now he's back asleep. i'm so jealous. i gave up on sleep today, until maybe this evening. maybe not, i can start taking my ephedrine again since my meds came. my meds keep me calm enough that i can take the buzz without bouncing off the walls or twitching my face off. and i hate twitching my face off, so hard to get it back on straight.

i really hate that the day started so early. i woke up to the boondocks, a cartoon i do not like, and turned the volume off. at six felix was all over me meowing and climbing on me which is when i decided to get up. the closet door was open when i got up so i closed it, unknowingly locking felix in there. doc let him out an hour or so later. poor felix. if he'd just stop going in there, that would stop happening. he's not the brightest of the bunch.

i'm really proud of myself for staying out of the hospital during this past crisis. there were days where the only thing stopping me from calling 911 on myself was knowing i had to get doc up and he'd freak out if i wasn't here. even if i left a note. and that's no way to send him to work. the only thing that stopped me from self injuring was knowing he'd freak out and knowing he could pop out of the bedroom at any time. also knowing M was home and would most likely catch me and it would freak him out and i can't risk doing that. so it was all outside factors keeping me and the voices in check. but i didn't break and i didn't use my bus fare to go to the hospital. nor did i ask anyone to take me there. i stayed home and everything turned out okay.