September 26th, 2010

2013, cyd, new

103 today, yay

my plan was to get out of bed as soon as i woke up, at 6 and come out here with my pillow and nap for two hours. that didn't quite work out. felix was cuddling with me when i woke up so i fell back to sleep until 8 when doc turned on the venture brothers tape. i got up and before i could get angry about it, he reminded me of my plot to come out here and watch the Top Gear marathon. i laughed and said i remembered and got dressed and got out so he could go to bed. he won't be such a bear to wake up.

so i'm up and resigned to the day. the usual routine of self medicating, taking my meds and smoking a cigarette have me in a nice place, i'm not even very twitchy today. the ringing and din in my head is deafening. the voices aren't saying much that's discernible, so that's nice. the hallucinations stay at my periphery. so do the audible ones. it's when they all gang up on me at once that things get dodgy. tomorrow my meds should be here and the nightmare will be over. and will not be repeated next month. lesson learned.

doc goes back to work tonight so it's just me and bad tv, even BBCamerica is letting me down, playing superman 2. i have mars attacks on DVD to watch, and half of the island left to watch.

tech and felix have been fighting all morning, and i don't know how to get them to stop. tech just sees felix as a thing to attack. felix hisses and growls and doesn't do much not to egg tech on. i'd let them fight, except for the noise. M is still asleep and likely will be for another couple of hours, so i can't really do anything except sit here and watch tv. or the fireplace. whichever.

the Top Gear marathon is still on. it will be until five. i've seen a lot of the episodes, but they're the kind of show you can watch over and over. especially if you have a swiss cheese memory like me. i can't keep track of the cars, but it's fun to watch them test the cars. i especially like the challenges.

i've lost more weight. i can see lines in my stomach, which is flat. i still can't see my ribs, so i'm okay. i'm not even trying to lose weight anymore, i ate a hamburger night before last, and mac and cheese last night. i haven't taken my diet pills for a week and i haven't had any caffeine for days. you'd think i'd sleep more.

doc and i had special time last night. i was on my sleeper, so i didn't readily remember it when i got up. i did while i was in the bathroom, thinking it was a shame i got a shower last night and he hadn't taken advantage of that. then i remember he did. he came in just as i was about to go to sleep. i didn't think it was going to happen this weekend, i thought i was being to schizy for him. it's not love, but it helps me sleep better. whatever it is between us, i don't question it anymore because it seems to be working for us. we're happy, we get along, we're saving money, we don't argue. it's become a very peaceful life. the only real drama is me and my crazy.

again, i don't know where this leaves us, it's a pretty regular thing now. it hurts my head to think about. he shows me he loves me, he doesn't have to say it, i know. i take care of him the best i can, and take care of the house as well as i can, which i admit has been lax this week, i've been on chat trying to distract myself and keep from hurting myself. so far it's worked. i am new wound free, which is nice as the last one is healing ugly. and since i don't wear my extra big shirts anymore, my sleeve doesn't cover it, it covers the worst bit, but not the bottom. i knew it was going to scar badly and i did it anyway. i just don't think sometimes.