September 21st, 2010

i am here

chance of showers for tomorrow

my meds got here, all but my antipsychotic. thrilling. i'm glad they came.

i thought the ups guy at the door was maintenance and i was so relieved. then i opened the door and was relieved for another reason.

now i'm just waiting for maintenance to get here. i've run the dishwasher twice since i put in the work order. i guess tomorrow i'll call and see what the hold up is. it should be a pretty simple visit. check the drainage, tell us there's nothing to be done. they've already replaced it, i doubt they'll do that again. it isn't that i'd like to go anywhere, but i would like to relax. keep the cigarettes out and the ashtrays.

doc got me two arizona iced teas while he was out paying the electric bill this morning. delicious mid day treat. i've already cleaned the kitchen twice, i'm not waking up doc until 5 and i can't do any chores that might make me miss the knock on the door.

i don't know what to do with my head. it's spinning and there's too much noise. too many things are moving in the corners of my eyes. i don't know if another xanax will help. i don't want to take my second too early, though i have been up since 10. i can't stop gritting my teeth. my mind is off on its own course, trying to watch tv is futile. i'm trying to concentrate by posting here, trying to get a grip. i have so many regrets right now. mainly that i didn't save any of my other antipsychotics when i was switched off of them. also that i didn't get the prescriptions in the mail for a week and that i didn't change my appointment to a week earlier so i would have some overlap. which is something i need to do, call and get my next appointment moved up by a week. i regret that i made doc stay home with me earlier and not today. i just don't see me coping with a night alone tonight. i mean, M will probably be home, but that does me no good. he's evolved from a friend to just a guy who lives here. i actually feel better when he goes out and i'm alone. maybe i'll hang out in my room tonight instead of out in the living room. no, that seems sad and lonely. i won't even have the laptop in with me to connect to chat if i get desperate. i just want to sleep the evening away, but then i'll be up. i have no faith in my new sleep meds and doc said no more tylenol pm for me once the new meds get here.

the time has come to smoke another half of cigarette. chain smoking is keeping me alive today, i'll regret that soon. all regret all the time. i could cry, if i could cry.