i got a good, long night's sleep and i feel pretty good today. i woke up to doc's knees in my back, and my panic level was high, but now i'm feeling pretty chipper.
i'm still sick and combined with the depression makes me want to lay around all day. which i'll probably do.
evne though i slept for a long time i think waking up with doc's knees in my back triggered a waking up in pain moment and i haven't been able to chill myself out. i even talked to kelli for a half an hour and while she is distracting, i can't get my head out of this cycle of panic.
i found out that doc mailed in my prescription for pristiq, my anti depressant, so i started to take that again. i had stopped for a couple of days but i figured the whole depression thing may be leading to more anxiety. so i took one and i'm hoping that kicks in and i can chill the fuck out. i don't want to rely entirely on xanax, i want to be able to calm down. maybe if i go for a walk the sun will do me some good.
. . . i feel better after my walk. i was able to come back and focus and make coffee for doc's waking up time. i also had two cups of coffee. not nearly as fast as yesterday's fiasco. plus i had a burrito first to fill my tummy up with non acidic stuff.
my thoughts are not yet in my control and i'm really starting to get concerned about the lost time issues. i think that may be why i chain smoke, so i know i filled up the time with something, i have something to remember, not just lounging here with my eyes closed, listening to the tv.
hint to remember: take a walk.