June 28th, 2010

no and where

don't know what's up

i just threw up a pot of coffee and my breakfast from earlier. my stomach was feeling queasy this morning, but felt better so i had some coffee. i puked until i dry heaved and that never happens.

i went to bed early last night and ended up at eight something this morning. since i can't remember the morning aside from brief flashes of talking to doc, i'm pretending i just got up. and i guess the coffee won't keep me from napping. it wasn't in my system long enough.

i've gotten a pretty good reception at the mental health forum. it's a very nurturing place where people are nice to each other. and it's busy enough that i get responses to my posts without having a million new posts to wade through. i feel very secure on the schizophrenia board, i can read the experiences of others and compare their experiences with my own and empathize when called for.

i'm losing more time. the voices are getting louder and a new one has been added, doc's voice. he chastises me so much that i hear it when he's not around and sometimes when he is around. an episode is coming on and i'm trying really hard not to give in to it.

i told doc to stop picking on me the other night. it was something about my not responding to a statement he made. i nodded, but didn't say anything because i didn't think it required a verbal response. then he started in on me about not responding to him and on and on and i just told him straight out to stop picking on me. doc does so much for me, it's hard for me to stand up to him. especially because he's right about so much that he tells me. but i feel bullied sometimes. i feel persecuted all the time by him, i have panic attacks when he's about to get up until he leaves for work. i know part of it is delusion, he's not out to get me, he doesn't have that much free time. but i feel like he is.

it's supposed to be 109 degrees today. it's already nearly there here in our neighborhood. i'm staying inside today. i went outside on the balcony to scoop the litter box and that is the extent of my out time. i will not be going for a walk. i do wish i had a swimming suit, though. the pool is looking mighty enticing. though i shouldn't be outside in the sun during the day with my pale skin, i would get so into the pool, i would forget about my skin burning and it would be ugly. hee.
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hot cheese

the time to

my heart is beating faster now
my mind is spinning to match
my stomach feels like i'm on a roller coaster
this is the panic
this is the time to breathe deeply
this is the time to check out
i don't know where this comes from
and i don't know how to stop it
i've been distracting myself
to try and keep myself from it
now i'm sitting down and sitting still
trying to breathe deeply
because this is the time
i am here

hours stretch out

all day the hours have stretched out in front of me. taunting me with their length and need to fill. now i have no idea what i watched today or did today at all. i've lost the whole day.

i'm alone in the apartment, something i'm not all that comfortable with at night. no real reason, i just stress the fuck out. i wish there was a tv working in my room because i would just lock myself in there and feel safer. but i can't spend the next three and a half hours without the tv. sad, but true, it is my best most constant companion.

i talked to doc about what i've been feeling and how things are spinning out of control. he had no response, except that he knew i was keeping something from him. no reassurances, just a roll of the eyes. i even told him i'd been hiding symptoms so i could convince him i'm recovering and not sick anymore. so he would love me again. because in my mind that's how things work. but not in the real world and i felt i owed him some kind of warning. it was before work so there's not a lot i could expect from him in the way of big reactions, he had just woken up.
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