June 23rd, 2010

i am here

what can i do: real advice needed

i'm bored with myself. i don't want to live this way anymore. i want friends. i want a purpose to being alive besides the cats. it doesn't seem enough. i really need advice on what i need to do. with my current limitations: i'm afraid to leave the apartment complex and i don't have a car. i'm willing to go out and do stuff, but getting to stuff is a problem. i'm willing to try online sources, though last time i checked it was a pretty sketchy way to meet people. i don't know if it's like that any more.

i really want to try. i'm sick of this rut i'm in, always being the depressing one. i have wit and i love to laugh, i just don't practice them much alone.

i'm going to go reach out to the one person i can.
hot cheese

turning away

he turns away from me again
which is better than when he pulls away
which he doesn't do so much now
i'm always careful not to touch him
he sleeps alone all day
and works at night while i sleep
we barely see each other
and he seems to breathe easier that way
while i hold my breath
i don't dare to breathe
he can be too mean
and i try to turn away again
i wish he knew how it felt when he pulled away
and if he does, he really is mean
i try to pretend this is natural
that caregiver burnout can lead to this
but that it's reversible
that i can get better and pull this out of the toilet
but i know i won't get better
i know the nature of my illness and
i know it can be controlled, not cured
and i try to do everything he says
even everything he suggests
i am ready when he needs me
if he ever needs me to help him
which i think he does, but
he could be just keeping me busy
and it came down to this
his turning away from me again